I haven’t posted in a long time, partially out of lethargy, partially busyness, partially contentment.
Lots has happened in the last 18 months. Too much to explain in this post (I will write another) but I needed an anonymous rant.
I was at dinner with some friends last night celebrating my engagement to P. I have a beautiful antique ring we chose together. Obviously it didn’t cost a fortune as we’re both poor academics. But I adore it. Upon showing one friend this ring I said the diamond probably wasn’t perfect and she replied, snorting with laughter:
Oh God no, that’s obvious, I can tell it’s nowhere near perfect
I’m fairly sure she’s not a diamond expert, and I’m fairly sure one cannot tell the quality of a diamond from a few feet away. So why the comment?
People are weird. Weddings bring out the best in some people, and the worst in others.
I generally don’t enjoy my birthday, and I expected that when I turned 30 there would be dark skies, plagues of locusts and electrical blackouts. But the sun shone and I had a very happy day.
This weekend past my parents came up for a surprise visit; they’d just come back from two weeks in Canada visiting my brother so were probably really jetlagged. My dad had driven them all over Ontario, but still drove the 450 mile round trip to see me, for one day. It was really lovely. We had a fabulous Sunday Lunch and then I fed them my home-made brownies at my flat before they had to go back down south.
On Monday, my actual birthday, I woke up a bit grumpy and morose. P cheered me up though. He made me leave the house, and we went for a day out in Glasgow, went to one of my favourite Japanese restaurants for lunch, did a little bit of shopping but generally just mooched around in the sunshine.
In the evening I had a lovely dinner with work friends, got an unexpected but fantastic little present from E (some old Cole Porter sheet music). I was really surprised: I loved my birthday, for the first time in years. My prophecies of doom and misery where wholly inaccurate.
Turning 30 is brilliant. I highly recommend it.
If you have seen Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire you will know the sound of the Beauxbatons girls: an airy, wispy, high-pitched sustained sigh. It suits them well when they’re dancing down the great hall, but wouldn’t be welcome in repeated application. In fact it would get rather irritating. Which is why I had to bite my tongue when I went to see new Head Doctor.
I met with Head Doctor with an odd mixture of apprehension and hope: as much as I didn’t love the prospect of building a new relationship, I did look forward to feeling the comfort I used to get. Except, it didn’t quite go like that.
Firstly, Head Doctor is about 12. OK maybe not 12, but I get the distinct impression that she’s a psychology graduate who has done a course in counselling. (In comparison, my last Head Doctor worked as a mental health nurse, then did a bachelors degree in counselling and a masters degree in psycho-dynamic therapy). I’m not saying that it means she’s a bad counsellor, it’s just, I think she was out of her depth with me.
I gave her a brief background and said to her
I need some help getting through this rocky patch, so I can find some stability.
She went silent for about 90 seconds (I counted) and then sighed. Hmmmmm, ahhhhh. Just like she was from Beauxbatons. She didn’t say anything. The silence got to me:
I feel like I should say something. I’m not used to it being quiet. Should I say something?
Hmmmmm, ahhhhh. You can say something if you want to.
Great, thanks, that helps. More silence.
Hmmmmm, ahhhhh. So what did you say you want to get out of counselling?
I was a bit confused. Did I not just tell her the answer to that, and she said nothing in response?
The session was a lot of Hmmmmm Ahhhhhh from her, and a lot of silence from me. Eventually I said I really just wanted a referral to the CBT therapist – which is my ultimate goal, but right now I’m a bit too frazzled to take on that challenge. I wanted to stabilise my poor brain before I embark on a mission to address my behaviour. That was why I wanted to have some more counselling.
New Head Doctor said to think about what I wanted (again! I already told her!) and come back next week. I called my old Head Doctor and arranged an appointment with her instead. Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who understands me.
I found the session frustrating, disheartening and quite depressing. Rather disappointing really.
Meant to be going to see new Head Doctor tonight but I really can’t be bothered. Getting to know a new shrink is not going to be easy, and I really don’t know where to start. I’m just in a big muddle right now. Hopefully she’ll be a good therapist and can help me figure it all out.
There comes a time when you have to accept defeat. When you know that your endeavours will be fruitless, and the only outcome of further effort will be frustration.
I reached that point today.
After 4 years of Apple fan-dom, I decided to check out the competition, and got the Samsung Galaxy S2 – an Android phone. When it arrived I was excited and eager to try what the dark side offered. I set up email, Facebook, LinkedIn, Dropbox… all the usual suspects. All went fine, until I tried to sync it with my MacBook.
Serious googling before I purchased it convinced me that although it might be a little inconvenient to work with, it wouldn’t be prohibitive. I was wrong.
I spent 4 hours trying to get it to sync my music to the phone, with 3 different programmes, over USB and over WiFi. I shouted, shook my fists, banged the table, cried, then got P to try and make it work. It didn’t. It just refused to sync.
I started to panic. I would be stuck with this £400 phone for 18 months, heartbroken and frustrated. But then I asked myself a question – what am I trying to achieve, forcing myself to use this phone? I called O2 and put my cards on the table: this phone is unusable. It will not speak to my MacBook. And hurrah! My begging fell on receptive ears! I can return it for a replacement.
I am an Mac geek. Sorry. I’m going back to iPhone. I dipped a toe in the Android Sea and didn’t like it. I’m sailing back to Apple Ocean and will be diving right in.
Now I just need to decide: do I go straight for the iPhone 4, or do I try to assemble some patience and wait for iPhone 5/ iPhone 4S?
Yesterday I went to register with the counselling service at the university. I’m seeing someone next Wednesday. I have no idea if it will work out, or not, but at least there are other counsellors who I could see if I don’t like this lady.
I’ve been thinking for a while about seeing another head doctor. Not because I’m having any real issues, but because I notice that some bad habits are creeping back in. I am utterly unable to make decisions. I fail completely to deal with stress. I must be in control at all times or everything becomes impossible.
I guess I’ve been lazy. I have lost the habit of checking my behaviour. I hope this new counselling adventure will help me to keep it real, as such, and not let my laziness get the better of me.
A new week brings new motivation!
So far today I have:
- registered to see a new counsellor at the university;
- registered for a parking permit for next academic year;
- attempted to pay for some gas and electricity I used in ghetto flat in May (long story, I might post it another time) but failed – nonetheless I tried;
- started writing my project!
OK so now I’m writing here, but still, I’ve achieved more this morning that I did in the whole of last week.
Have a busy week ahead of me too. I have to finish this project by tomorrow, then I’ll be back in Edinburgh Tuesday – Wednesday, on Thursday my long awaited sofa is being delivered (or at least it had better be, otherwise I’ll be firebombing Harvey’s furniture store for LYING blatantly about delivery times… they said it would take 3.5 weeks 2 months ago!), then on Friday, well, Friday will be my first day back in work WITHOUT BRACES!!!
I’m so excited! I think Tuesday night I will be like a kid on Christmas Eve.
Anyway, back to work.