Sad face

Today I came back from uni and Ex helped me move the last of my things from the flat. It was really weird. At first I just carried on the way I always did – being grumpy with him and not really engaging in conversation. But when I started packing I felt really sad. It was weird seeing the flat without my stuff in it, and that he’d put his own stamp on things. He already took down my posters and pictures and put his own giant picture up on the bedroom wall.

He came over to the old place and helped me get stuff down from the attic and then sat down for a bit, and we talked about what we would do with the cats and the fish… It felt really sad. Final. Like this was definitely the end. When we still lived in the same flat it didn’t feel over enough, but now it does. On the way out he gave me a hug and said he hoped I had a good Christmas and new year. It was nice to hug him, but it hurt me a bit, because I realised that the comfort I once got from him was gone forever.

I know that I won’t feel sad forever, and neither will he. It will just take time for us to get over what we had. I am on my own now and I need to accept that and deal with it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just different. But I’ll go with it, because I need to focus on me.

A place to be

I’m trying to decide where I should live.

When I told my mother about Boyfriend (now Ex) and me splitting up, I asked her if I could possibly move into the old flat (which they still haven’t sold) until the lease runs out on the place I’m in now (end of May).  She said no – I’m not really sure why. I spoke to A about it at the weekend and I decided I would divide and conquer, in other words, speak to my dad.

My parents have now said I can live in the old flat if I need to. But that begs the question: where should I be right now?

When we broke up I mentioned to Ex that I thought we should try and live together until the lease was up. But I think part of that was me trying to limit the number of changes I was inflicting on myself. Having thought about it though, I wonder if I do need some space.

I haven’t slept at home for the past three nights – Friday night at P’s (trains home were cancelled), Saturday night at A’s (dinner party in Glasgow) and last night at P’s again (had to be in uni for 8:30am, and with public transport as it is and my car kaput, it was safest to stay in Stirling).  Each time I felt like I had to justify why I was staying out all night. On top of that, I didn’t tell Ex that I was staying at P’s house; I lied and said I was staying with another friend (I don’t like lying).

So logistically it would be better to live in the old flat. And I think having some space to myself would be good. But, it would involve more change and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by jumping in head first to this new life.

 

Circles

I’ve spent a few hours over the last 3 days reading old blog posts. A few things have come to my attention.

1. Around the beginning of every month I feel more depressed and useless than normal – this is evident in my blog posts as the ones in the first week to ten days of each month are darker than those at the end
2. I respond very well to good weather
3. I create a rod for my own back sometimes – worrying and stressing about things (mostly to do with people) makes me act crazy and I fulfil my own fears
4. My moods were stabilising just before I reduced the dose of my medication; afterwards, they went crazy for a while and they’re only just settling down now. I remember Head Doctor saying it takes 6 months for your brain to adjust to a new dose of medication; mine changed in May/ June (I think) so that means it might be Christmas before I feel normal again

Mostly though, I’ve noticed how I run myself in circles, following the same pattern of negativity and sabotage. Sometimes I read my posts and think yeah I can see where you’re coming from and other times I think bloody hell Suzy, what are you doing? The strange thing is that although I still need that sense-check, I’ve not been doing it lately.  But think about it – I’ve had a lot of change to deal with: I’m in a flat I don’t like (it’s too cold and our downstairs neighbour is a big fat horrible freak), I’ve started a whole new career, with new people, in a new environment, I’m commuting a long way, it’s coming into winter and getting colder and darker… I’m bound to be stressed and tired.  So what am I expecting of myself?

When I wrote my recent posts about thick skin, I was in a foul mood and was suffering. I didn’t rein myself in, I just let the mood run because I was too tired to keep it in check. But just days afterwards I am kicking myself because I realise now that I made myself miserable.

Months ago, when I was down I would write here and get it out of my head. Over the summer I lost the habit, partially out of laziness (I wasn’t in front of a computer all the time, like I was in my previous job) and partially because I didn’t really want to think or talk or do anything. At the time I thought I was going mad, but now looking back at previous posts I think it’s a combination of a reaction to change in life and a change in medication. Those two things are heavy hitters – they have a major impact. So why am I so surprised that I’ve been affected?

I really need to give myself a break and recognise that I’m not losing it – there will always be setbacks, but they’ll pass.

Pessimists and failures

When I was at high school, my physics teacher (who was gruff and mean, but I thought he was brilliant because he let us do the coolest experiments, and because he liked me – I was great at physics) used to say:

There are only two types of people in the world: Pessimists, and failures.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that most of the time, it worked. I became an ardent pessimist. Despite being top of the class in everything (except netball, I hated netball – I preferred basketball but we weren’t allowed to play that game; it was “unbecoming of young ladies“, pffft) I came out of every exam declaring my ineptitude at whatever subject, the pretended to be surprised when I got top marks (again).

It became a habit – I always thought the worst, of myself, of others, of the world in general. It didn’t help that my mum frequently thought the worst of me (I didn’t rebel, but I didn’t conform either – I’m far too much a secret scientist to conform) and still finds it appropriate to point out the things I am doing wrong, despite the fact I am now 28. I don’t blame her, she’s my mum, mums do things that get on our nerves even if it is out of kindness and concern.

Anyhoo, most of my readers will know that the last 3 years have pretty much been a big ol’ nightmare for me. And most of my life since about… oh, say 1999… has been a serious rollercoaster. I lost myself somewhere in my adolescence. Most of the insecurity I gathered started to manifest about 3 years ago though. I second guessed everyone. I automatically assumed that nobody liked me, I was a rubbish friend, I was fat, ugly, useless etc. My first reaction was always negative, to everything. If someone asked me to go for dinner with them I would assume that their first choice had cancelled.

That negativity has caused me a lot of problems. Least of all because I began to separate into two people. Suzy the professional was great at her job, was very appreciated in the workplace and was spoken of very highly by clients. But Suzy the person was becoming lost, isolated, more and more uncomfortable with life. Suzy Professional began to take over and I worked more and more and more until I couldn’t take it and I cracked. My employers didn’t appreciate that, and forced me out of the company. So, Suzy Professional was unemployed (thus, dead) and Suzy Person was a total wreck. Suzy Person was the pessimist, so unconfident, paranoid and insecure that she honestly believed she deserved nothing good at all. So her best friend gave up on her: “Suzy you’re just too much trouble, I can’t deal with you anymore“.

It has taken two years of counselling, but I feel like I’m finally getting over that and starting to change how I think (mostly). I guess consciously I do know that I didn’t deserve the bad things that happened to me. And logically I do know that my friends (however few there are left) wouldn’t want to see me if they didn’t like me. And realistically I do know that just because it rains and I have forgotten my umbrella, it doesn’t mean that I’m being punished for being a bad person. But despite all these things, old habits die hard, and in times of weakness I do resort to that negative way of thinking.

In a previous post I had a lovely comment that reminded me that good things happen as much as bad things, and when the good things come it’s ok to let them happen: I don’t have to eye them suspiciously and wonder what the catch is. I don’t need to expect the worst. I’ll get there, I know I will. This year will have so many new starts I have a whole boat load of opportunities to leave negativity behind. Wish me luck!

Detox

I need to clean out my life. Everything has just got too much. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and yes I’ve had therapy and yes I’m on medication, but that just keeps the depression under control. My life has been neglected and I think that’s why I feel so trapped and so out of control at the same time.

I’ve already partially detoxed:

My friends.

I haven’t been keeping in touch with T very much, and when I do speak to her I am so glad I’m not around her negativity anymore. I wish things could be different, but they aren’t, so, that’s life. I’ve also cut back hugely on the amount I interact with P. It’s not his fault, he’s got a lot going on right now trying to finish his PhD thesis and that’s making him really self absorbed. Maybe when he submits we can catch up again but for now I can’t deal with the way he is acting. So I’m leaving him to it.

Other friends I’ve consolidated. S, A and M are the three people I really trust. I always know they look out for me and I can believe in what they say. I’ve stopped worrying about my lack-of-friends and started to try and think of the positives: I have three great friends who I can always turn to for advice. OK they might not be on my doorstep, but T was a doorstep friend and she was useless. I’ll take trust over convenience any day.

My environment.

I’ve de-cluttered my flat significantly too. I gave all my CDs to charity and I took all my DVDs out of their boxes and filed them in flat cases. I can’t bring myself to get rid of many of my books. I love my books too much. But I’ll get rid of the ones I’m not enamoured with.

I’ve started spring cleaning: I washed the windows inside and out, I cleared the dead foliage from my window boxes and gave them water, and I dusted the flat from top to bottom.

Tomorrow I’m going to raid my wardrobe, put piles of stuff in bags for the bin or the charity shop, and get rid of all the silly little trinkety things I’ve acquired lately. Then, I’ll vacuum all the carpets, clean the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor (I cleaned the worktops already today) and polish the furniture.

OK what next.

My finances.

I may be completely skint this month, but I’ve realised where I’m going wrong. I’ll make it to 27th April (payday) and I should be on a sure footing from then on. I have paid off all my credit cards as well, so other than my student loan, I don’t have any debt at all. Not even an overdraft.

Next month I’m going to set up a standing order of £250 into a savings account; that should help me replenish my savings. I’m also going to get one of those budget planner apps for my iPhone.

My health.

I realised the other night that I wasn’t treating my body very well. Wine and cake does not a temple make. So since then I’ve been keeping to 1,200 calories a day (I have the Livestrong diet and exercise planner on my iPhone too!) and have been out jogging once, and I plan to go again later tonight.

My future.

I need to take something positive out of this really low depression I’m in at the minute, and try and turn it around. What are the things that are getting me down?

• work
• work
• work

I have to realise that I can’t just quit my job. As much as I hate it, if I quit I will have ABSOLUTELY no money because I’ll be unemployed and ineligible for job-seeker’s allowance. So I just need to take deep breaths and try and let it wash over me. It won’t be forever.

I’ve taken a chance and applied for PhD funding. I have no idea if I’ll get it but that’s what I have to focus on for now. This is an investment in my future. Not all investments work out. And if this one doesn’t I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop and go to college in the evening and learn something new, like floristry. I always liked the idea of being a florist. It won’t be the end of the world, it will just be a different world to the one I expected. Either way, I won’t stay in my current job past July at the latest so that’s only 4 months. I can do 4 months. I’ll pad it out with holidays and other milestones.

And I’ve already invested in my future health, as I took the plunge and got braces. They’re really annoying, but not half as bad as I thought and they’re an investment in my future appearance. My main reservations about them were surrounding my appearance. But like I wrote before, my 20s are a write-off anyway, so I may as well start my 30s with a bright clean slate, and amazing teeth. I am not going to be scared of my 30s anymore. Everyone I know who is already 30 is so much happier with themselves. I’m actually looking forward to being there.

My mental health is getting the right attention too. I’ve done all the things I was meant to do and OK, so I have setbacks and everything is still not well, but I’m getting there, and I have to realise that I’ve made good progress and there is more good progress to come. One day I will be happy.

My karma.

OK, this is a tricky one. I’ve built up a lot of bad karma over the years, through being judgemental, bitter, aggressive, selfish and so on. I’d like to think that the people on the receiving end forgive me; some I’ve managed to apologise to, others I’m no longer in touch with. The biggest problem there is that I have a very hard time forgiving myself.

I’m trying to restore my good karma by being open and honest and thinking of others – although not to the extent that I become a pushover again and lose respect for myself and then take it out on others – but I find that I’m surprising myself with negativity where I wouldn’t expect it. That business with Evil Assistant really shocked me. I didn’t expect I would react like that. Nor that I would embark on such a guilt trip afterwards.

The problem with my karma is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am. It’s hard to be true to yourself when you don’t really know who that person is. It makes it hard to know where my karma stands and where I am doing well and what I need to work on. I am trying to forgive myself for my past; after all, I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is try and stay true to myself in the future, so I don’t need to hate everything I do.

So, this detox of my life….

I guess I hope that by detoxing my life I’ll find a path; a way to understanding who I am, in a place where I can accept that and be comfortable with it. I will get there. I just want time, and space, and if I remove the clutter from my life I think I will find what I need.

Fail

I’ve just had a huge row with Boyfriend. We’re flying out to the US on Monday to visit my friend S, do some snowboarding (or learn, in my case) and generally chill out. We booked it about a month ago, and I’ve been so looking forward to it.

I sold a whole load of shares this week to finance my spending when I’m out there, and to pay Boyfriend back for the flights (he booked them as he has an Air France card through work). The money should have been in my account today but it isn’t. I was going to book our snowboard lessons and boot hire etc today, but I can’t, so I asked Boyfriend to do it. But it turns out he has no money at all.

He earns double what I do, and he pays me no rent. All his expenditure is on his car, bike, petrol and going out with his mates. But he’s still run out of money. I have no idea what he has spent his money on. I don’t even think he knows. But when he took this job he promised me that it would be an opportunity to clear his debts and start saving for a house for us. That was two years ago, his debts are still the same and all that is different is that he has another bike and a bigger, faster car.

I’ve been trying to get him to budget and plan ever since we met. But I’ve failed. He can’t – or won’t – budget. So now we are in the situation where I have absolutely zero money, even though I’ve put in place actions (that are delayed for some reason) to pay for snowboard hire and stuff when we get out there, but he has nothing. He’s assumed that I will organise everything. And he has no money to pay for anything.

This was meant to be my last big holiday before I start my PhD. It was an opportunity to see S in her happy place. But I really don’t want to go now. I’m so unbelievably stressed. I don’t even know how I’m going to get to the airport on Monday morning, let alone get to the condo or buy food or anything. I’m hoping that my money will clear on Monday but what if it doesn’t? Boyfriend won’t get paid til the 25th so we may as well not go, we won’t be able to do anything.

He keeps promising me that he’ll stop spending so much money on nonsense. But it never happens. I don’t think he’ll ever change. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to rely on him. I’m torn between thinking he can’t change or that he won’t change. Either way I can’t deal with it. It’s not fair. I’ve done so much hard work to become a better person and get around the things that get in the way of me having a meaningful life. If I can change, why can’t he?

Letting go

The other day I wrote about my day of mourning. At the time I thought my heartbreak was due to my acceptance of the loss of my friendship with P. I thought it was time to give up; I wouldn’t get what I wanted and should stop trying, because I was only hurting myself. The next day I felt nothing, like a blank page. I was quite puzzled by it but I carried on regardless.

Yesterday I had an appointment with Head Doctor; it was pretty heavy, and I’m glad that we had to finish after 35 minutes (due to my inability to speak and the onset of a coughing fit). But it was a good session because it brought me to a sad, strange and surprising conclusion.

On second thoughts…

I’m starting to wonder if I made the right call with P.  I was thinking a lot about him today, and I really doubt that he can do the things he promised he could.  I doubt that he can change anything.  I want to believe him.  But I know how good he is at lying.  How do I know he wasn’t lying to me that night?

He said he wouldn’t be so ignorant.  He said he would be more careful with my feelings.  He said he would do what it took not to drop me again.  He said he would have more respect for me.  He said he would try to make things work.

But I don’t think I can believe him.  I feel exposed.  I put my cards on the table on Tuesday night and as much as he was receptive I don’t think he did the same.  I’m worried that he has kept the bad news inside.  But can I really bring this up again?  I felt so bad for ambushing him; he said I was right to do so but I’ve got confession-regret.

I thought I was finally getting somewhere.  But I feel so vulnerable.  It’s scaring me a little.  I don’t want to get hurt again.

The magpie effect

I went out and played tennis today.  I have a cool Spanish tennis coach.  He’s a really nice guy.  His English isn’t great but that’s why he’s here.  He took a break from his accountancy career in Madrid to come to the UK and improve his English.  I really admire him for that.

Anyway, he likes to improve his vocabulary, and we have random conversation after the lesson.  We sat on a park bench in the sun and watched a group of students play football, badly.  There was a magpie in a nearby tree.

What do you call those birds? He asked.

Magpies.

You have to watch out for them, he told me, they will steal your silver and gold.

I laughed and told him I don’t have any silver or any gold, so I am safe.

Then I thought to myself, even if I did have any silver or gold, or anything shiny and precious, would I care if a magpie stole it?  Would I care if it just disappeared into the aether?

It was a beautiful wintry day.  I had fun playing tennis, and playing English-vocabulary eye-spy with Coach.  But I knew that even though I laughed and I smiled, it meant nothing.  Like a magpie has taken every precious thing out of my life.

I tried to convince myself it wasn’t true.  As I walked home from the Meadows I thought of all the good things I have.  I have a loving, supportive boyfriend.  I have a happy, healthy family.  I have a job.  I have hobbies.  I have a nice flat, in a nice street.  I have a cute cat.  I have a good education.  I have good physical health.  I have good hair.  But the more things I thought of, the worse I felt.

Rationally I know I have nothing to be depressed about.  But it’s not my fault.  There are chemicals in my brain that should be there but aren’t.  And there are some chemicals there that shouldn’t be.  And my brain cells don’t respond to other chemicals that it should.  It’s not my fault. But even though the logical side of me knows this, the emotional side hates the fact that I’m so pathetic as to be depressed when I have so much to appreciate.

I wish I could appreciate things, I really do, but I can’t and I’m tired of trying.  Every time I build myself up a bit it seems like something changes that pulls the rug from under my feet, and I’m exhausted from trying to get back up again.  Time is going too quickly.  I need time to slow down.  I can’t deal with so much at once.

I’ve always been afraid that one day I just won’t get back up.  Lately I’ve been thinking that day is getting closer and closer.

Think, quickly

I’m meeting P tomorrow. 

I broke our silence earlier this week, and sent him a message asking if we could talk sometime? He replied, of course.  But before I could respond, he sent me the message telling me about my Economics Professor.  I was so shocked that all I could say was thank you for telling me.  Once I came to terms with that news, and, selfishly, what it meant to me, I decided that there was no time to waste.  I procrastinated so much with my PhD proposal that I never even got a chance to share my ideas with the Prof before he died. 

So, no more procrastinating, I decided; I need to start sorting things out.