What have I missed?

My brother emigrates to Canada in 3 days.  My sister is living in Shenyang in China.  T (not that I miss her) has moved to London, my friend K is taking a 3 month sabbatical to travel the world… Have I missed something?

It is now 10 years since I moved to Scotland, and other than moving to different places of residence, I’ve stayed put.  Now, starting my PhD, I’ll be here for another 3 years.  I’ve never really travelled much (other than city breaks here and there, in countries where I speak the language, and a summer doing Camp America) and as much as I do feel jealous of my friends and siblings, I don’t really have the drive to get lost.

I am stuck, but as much as I might complain, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  One of my favourite things in the world is my bed (sadly located at my old flat right now – but I WILL get it back) and I really appreciate my home comforts.  I love familiarity and routine, and staying in one country gives me all those things.

So, what have I missed?  Being the eldest, I didn’t really have an adventurous spirit as I was always more concerned about my brother and sister:  settling a good example, learning things (like starting university) the hard way, looking out for them etc.  I never felt that I could just take off and travel.  But I don’t think I’m that type of person.  Not yet.

The past few years have been tumultuous to say the least.  What I need right now is to have a stable environment to make myself happy in; somewhere that gives me space to learn to appreciate who I am.  Once I have that confidence, I think travel might be an option, but until then, I need to stop mourning the chances that have passed me by and appreciate the good things I have in my life just now.  Just because they’re not far-flung and exotic doesn’t mean they’re not valid and incredibly important for me.

Pessimists and failures

When I was at high school, my physics teacher (who was gruff and mean, but I thought he was brilliant because he let us do the coolest experiments, and because he liked me – I was great at physics) used to say:

There are only two types of people in the world: Pessimists, and failures.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that most of the time, it worked. I became an ardent pessimist. Despite being top of the class in everything (except netball, I hated netball – I preferred basketball but we weren’t allowed to play that game; it was “unbecoming of young ladies“, pffft) I came out of every exam declaring my ineptitude at whatever subject, the pretended to be surprised when I got top marks (again).

It became a habit – I always thought the worst, of myself, of others, of the world in general. It didn’t help that my mum frequently thought the worst of me (I didn’t rebel, but I didn’t conform either – I’m far too much a secret scientist to conform) and still finds it appropriate to point out the things I am doing wrong, despite the fact I am now 28. I don’t blame her, she’s my mum, mums do things that get on our nerves even if it is out of kindness and concern.

Anyhoo, most of my readers will know that the last 3 years have pretty much been a big ol’ nightmare for me. And most of my life since about… oh, say 1999… has been a serious rollercoaster. I lost myself somewhere in my adolescence. Most of the insecurity I gathered started to manifest about 3 years ago though. I second guessed everyone. I automatically assumed that nobody liked me, I was a rubbish friend, I was fat, ugly, useless etc. My first reaction was always negative, to everything. If someone asked me to go for dinner with them I would assume that their first choice had cancelled.

That negativity has caused me a lot of problems. Least of all because I began to separate into two people. Suzy the professional was great at her job, was very appreciated in the workplace and was spoken of very highly by clients. But Suzy the person was becoming lost, isolated, more and more uncomfortable with life. Suzy Professional began to take over and I worked more and more and more until I couldn’t take it and I cracked. My employers didn’t appreciate that, and forced me out of the company. So, Suzy Professional was unemployed (thus, dead) and Suzy Person was a total wreck. Suzy Person was the pessimist, so unconfident, paranoid and insecure that she honestly believed she deserved nothing good at all. So her best friend gave up on her: “Suzy you’re just too much trouble, I can’t deal with you anymore“.

It has taken two years of counselling, but I feel like I’m finally getting over that and starting to change how I think (mostly). I guess consciously I do know that I didn’t deserve the bad things that happened to me. And logically I do know that my friends (however few there are left) wouldn’t want to see me if they didn’t like me. And realistically I do know that just because it rains and I have forgotten my umbrella, it doesn’t mean that I’m being punished for being a bad person. But despite all these things, old habits die hard, and in times of weakness I do resort to that negative way of thinking.

In a previous post I had a lovely comment that reminded me that good things happen as much as bad things, and when the good things come it’s ok to let them happen: I don’t have to eye them suspiciously and wonder what the catch is. I don’t need to expect the worst. I’ll get there, I know I will. This year will have so many new starts I have a whole boat load of opportunities to leave negativity behind. Wish me luck!

Thank you, thank you, thank you

I got a call from the letting agent today: the owner is fine with Mr Cat! So that means we’re all set to take up the lease from 1st June. Just need to pass the credit and reference checks (hopefully those should be all ok).

I’m so excited. I really can’t believe how well things are working out for me lately. Is it karma finally rewarding me for enduring all the rubbish life has thrown at me over the past few years? Is it the results of all my prayers and wishes and hopes and finger-crossing? Or is it all just coincidence?

I don’t know why good things are happening all of a sudden. My future is really looking up. But I’m almost afraid to be happy – what if the good things get taken away? Until I’ve signed a lease and started my PhD (ie, no going back!) I will probably feel uncertain, so I need to keep my moods as stable as possible: I still have to protect myself. My emotional state is still fragile, even though it is much stronger than it has been previously, and unexpected events still have the potential to upset the balance.

But for now I am thankful for this good news. Thank you God, thank you karma, thank you chance and fate; and thank you to everyone to hoped for me. One day I’ll hope for myself, then I can hope for others too.

Almost a week

I hadn’t noticed how long it had been since I wrote here. For most people, a post every few days would be enough, but for me, Little Miss Three-Posts-a-Day, it has been a while.

I’ve noticed that I haven’t felt the ‘urge’ to write as much as I used to. One reason is that I’m lazy. Another is that I don’t really have much to write about. Well, not that I need to write about anyway. There’s still a load of stuff going on:

• I have to move flats and I can’t decide whether to move in with Boyfriend again or to flatshare (I’ll be a student so need the cheapest option)
• I got back in touch with T, then realised why I ditched her in the first place…
• … and although I’d decided to give up on P, he asked to see me and he looked so sorry for himself that instead I gave him a pep-talk and a third chance
• sod’s law strikes again: I finally made it to France, but got stomach flu so paid a small fortune to come back early then was fine the next day
• I have no idea how I’m going to afford to live this summer (given that I’m quitting work)
• I found a woodlouse spider in my house, I think it bit the cat – what if there are more? Yuck yuck yuck.

I think that’s all. I will probably be back and write a bit about other stuff sometime. Right now I’m still suffering from the lurgy and need to lie down again.

Yes! I’m sane! (ish…)

I saw my Head Doctor yesterday, just for a catch up. As I’ve written before, we’re winding down my therapy sessions. I was really worried at first, but now that we’ve started along this road I feel ok about it. We have two more sessions then I’ll be discharged, which feels strange, but really exciting too. It will all be part of my new future.

Anyway, at the session we talked about my lack of sleep and my weird dreams, which have become a nightly occurance. Last night I dreamt that I was a character in Friends (Monica – but I was still me, if that makes sense) and an ex-boyfriend was Chandler. It was set when Monica and Chandler had been dating in public. Chandler was really annoyed at Monica (me) because I hadn’t told Ross (who was himself) that we were dating. He kept shouting at me, asking if I was ashamed of him. I kept telling him no, but really I was ashamed of him (because he wasn’t Chandler you see, he was my ex, who was a very strange and mean man).

Ross came in and saw us sitting together and twigged that we were dating, and then stropped out of the apartment. Then, for no reason, Mr Cat came into the room and was playing with Junior Cat (Boyfriend and I are getting another kitten to keep the real Mr Cat company) and Chandler (my ex) and Monica (me) started eating peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches and some chips and gravy. It was all very, very peculiar.

Anyhoo. I also mentioned how I’ve been feeling really impulsive lately, irrationally so. Head Doctor sat up straight and had an instant response for me:

Suzy, one thing stands out strongly today; you seem really high. Dreams are a common side effect of the drug you’re taking, along with impulsiveness and lack of sleep; your mood and the fact you’ve started to experience these effects makes me suspect that your dose of medication is too heavy.

Really? I was sceptical; how much effect can that have? Plus I’ve been on this dose since October, and the impulsiveness and the dreams have only been fairly recent.

When your brain is still suffering from depression, the medication makes you feel better so you can do the work you need to in therapy. But now you’re getting over the depression, and you’ve made great progess here, the effects it has on your brain are probably getting smaller, so the large dose might be making you too high.

I must admit, it does make some sense. And I’m reassured to hear that the dreams, sleeplessness and impulsiveness might be down to the drugs, not general insanity.

If I think about it, I’ve been feeling better for a little while now. The last time I saw a GP (a locum, not my usual GP) I mentioned that I was thinking about reducing the dose of my medication, just to see how I would cope. Pharmacists and locum GPs have often said that I’m on quite a large dose, but I had quite a severe depression that took a long time to shift, especially given all the uncertainties and stresses I have been dealing with over the last 18 months.

After the discussion yesterday with Head Doctor I’m fairly sure that I want to reduce the dose. I feel like things are coming together finally. I have my PhD funding. I’m leaving work in 2 months. I have the summer to chill out and recover. And, above all, I feel peace. I don’t feel angry at the world anymore. Yes I have my moments, but I can deal with them (mostly) so I decided that I would see my usual GP and discuss with her the possibility of coming off the drugs. I am seeing her this afternoon.

I’m excited about the future now; it’s time to reduce my dependence on artificial chemicals in my brain and start to try out the real world, unmedicated (thus without freaky dreams).

Freedom

I handed in my notice today. A little premature perhaps, as I haven’t even spoken to my supervisor yet about start date etc, but I decided that I just wanted to get it over with. I’m leaving on the 2nd July, so I’ll have most of July, August and September to chill out, investigate new accommodations, go on holiday, see my folks, ride horses etc.

I am sad to be leaving my boss – he’s ace – and Nice Assistant, but I won’t miss the bureaucracy, suspicion, power struggles and business-bull that goes around. I know I will be skint for the summer, but I think that I can manage. I just need time to get myself totally ‘fixed’ so that I can fully embrace my future as an academic; I wouldn’t want to get halfway through my PhD and find myself back in trouble again. Like I’ve said a lot lately, I need to prioritise my health and sanity – those can’t be bought back.

*Speechless*

I got a studentship. I’ve got funding to do my PhD. I actually don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so excited I almost can’t believe it and I’m sitting on the sofa feeling completely dazed.

I have to admit that the moment is bittersweet though – I have nobody to tell. I called home but my parents are out. My sis isn’t answering. Boyfriend is on an oilrig. T and P have been dumped. I’ve sent messages to A and S, and I’m about to email M. And I wrote to my friend K in London saying we definitely have to confirm the June reunion (K and I used to be in the same karate club at university – we have lots of friends in common through that, many of whom are in and around London) and make it a celebration as well.

The future is looking brighter. I knew I deserved better. I can hope for better things now.

Detox

I need to clean out my life. Everything has just got too much. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and yes I’ve had therapy and yes I’m on medication, but that just keeps the depression under control. My life has been neglected and I think that’s why I feel so trapped and so out of control at the same time.

I’ve already partially detoxed:

My friends.

I haven’t been keeping in touch with T very much, and when I do speak to her I am so glad I’m not around her negativity anymore. I wish things could be different, but they aren’t, so, that’s life. I’ve also cut back hugely on the amount I interact with P. It’s not his fault, he’s got a lot going on right now trying to finish his PhD thesis and that’s making him really self absorbed. Maybe when he submits we can catch up again but for now I can’t deal with the way he is acting. So I’m leaving him to it.

Other friends I’ve consolidated. S, A and M are the three people I really trust. I always know they look out for me and I can believe in what they say. I’ve stopped worrying about my lack-of-friends and started to try and think of the positives: I have three great friends who I can always turn to for advice. OK they might not be on my doorstep, but T was a doorstep friend and she was useless. I’ll take trust over convenience any day.

My environment.

I’ve de-cluttered my flat significantly too. I gave all my CDs to charity and I took all my DVDs out of their boxes and filed them in flat cases. I can’t bring myself to get rid of many of my books. I love my books too much. But I’ll get rid of the ones I’m not enamoured with.

I’ve started spring cleaning: I washed the windows inside and out, I cleared the dead foliage from my window boxes and gave them water, and I dusted the flat from top to bottom.

Tomorrow I’m going to raid my wardrobe, put piles of stuff in bags for the bin or the charity shop, and get rid of all the silly little trinkety things I’ve acquired lately. Then, I’ll vacuum all the carpets, clean the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor (I cleaned the worktops already today) and polish the furniture.

OK what next.

My finances.

I may be completely skint this month, but I’ve realised where I’m going wrong. I’ll make it to 27th April (payday) and I should be on a sure footing from then on. I have paid off all my credit cards as well, so other than my student loan, I don’t have any debt at all. Not even an overdraft.

Next month I’m going to set up a standing order of £250 into a savings account; that should help me replenish my savings. I’m also going to get one of those budget planner apps for my iPhone.

My health.

I realised the other night that I wasn’t treating my body very well. Wine and cake does not a temple make. So since then I’ve been keeping to 1,200 calories a day (I have the Livestrong diet and exercise planner on my iPhone too!) and have been out jogging once, and I plan to go again later tonight.

My future.

I need to take something positive out of this really low depression I’m in at the minute, and try and turn it around. What are the things that are getting me down?

• work
• work
• work

I have to realise that I can’t just quit my job. As much as I hate it, if I quit I will have ABSOLUTELY no money because I’ll be unemployed and ineligible for job-seeker’s allowance. So I just need to take deep breaths and try and let it wash over me. It won’t be forever.

I’ve taken a chance and applied for PhD funding. I have no idea if I’ll get it but that’s what I have to focus on for now. This is an investment in my future. Not all investments work out. And if this one doesn’t I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop and go to college in the evening and learn something new, like floristry. I always liked the idea of being a florist. It won’t be the end of the world, it will just be a different world to the one I expected. Either way, I won’t stay in my current job past July at the latest so that’s only 4 months. I can do 4 months. I’ll pad it out with holidays and other milestones.

And I’ve already invested in my future health, as I took the plunge and got braces. They’re really annoying, but not half as bad as I thought and they’re an investment in my future appearance. My main reservations about them were surrounding my appearance. But like I wrote before, my 20s are a write-off anyway, so I may as well start my 30s with a bright clean slate, and amazing teeth. I am not going to be scared of my 30s anymore. Everyone I know who is already 30 is so much happier with themselves. I’m actually looking forward to being there.

My mental health is getting the right attention too. I’ve done all the things I was meant to do and OK, so I have setbacks and everything is still not well, but I’m getting there, and I have to realise that I’ve made good progress and there is more good progress to come. One day I will be happy.

My karma.

OK, this is a tricky one. I’ve built up a lot of bad karma over the years, through being judgemental, bitter, aggressive, selfish and so on. I’d like to think that the people on the receiving end forgive me; some I’ve managed to apologise to, others I’m no longer in touch with. The biggest problem there is that I have a very hard time forgiving myself.

I’m trying to restore my good karma by being open and honest and thinking of others – although not to the extent that I become a pushover again and lose respect for myself and then take it out on others – but I find that I’m surprising myself with negativity where I wouldn’t expect it. That business with Evil Assistant really shocked me. I didn’t expect I would react like that. Nor that I would embark on such a guilt trip afterwards.

The problem with my karma is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am. It’s hard to be true to yourself when you don’t really know who that person is. It makes it hard to know where my karma stands and where I am doing well and what I need to work on. I am trying to forgive myself for my past; after all, I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is try and stay true to myself in the future, so I don’t need to hate everything I do.

So, this detox of my life….

I guess I hope that by detoxing my life I’ll find a path; a way to understanding who I am, in a place where I can accept that and be comfortable with it. I will get there. I just want time, and space, and if I remove the clutter from my life I think I will find what I need.

Down down down

I’m feeling really low today. I feel like I have so much on my mind. I can’t think straight and I’m struggling to motivate myself to do the things I think I should be doing. I’m procrastinating constantly and it’s probably making things worse, but I’m so stressed with work and money and the future that I just can’t make myself do things.

I want to withdraw from life at the minute. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to hit the pause button and wait for this to pass, but there’s no such thing. Guess I just have to keep going and muddle through.

In the stars?

I read my horoscope in the Sunday Times today (don’t worry, I’m not a Tory, my parents read it and I’m still at their house). It said:

Despite being a self-improvement junkie, you were relieved when Saturn departed Virgo in October, ending a two-year cycle of enforced personal development. So while you may not be thrilled to learn of its return to your sign on Wednesday, you’ll soon welcome its presence. After numerous ventured, some rewarding, others much less so, a thorough tidy-up would be timely. And this begins with tough demands of several freeloaders.

I’m quite alarmed at how much this connects with how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through. Two years of therapy and medication that’s starting to wind up, life is more about what I want to do rather than what I should do.

But if this horoscope is right, it means I’m in for some more rough water. Who could the freeloaders be? T was the only one. I wonder if she’ll come crawling back? P has been a bit of a scourge as well. He’s so wrapped up in himself he’s abusing everyone who cares about him.

So is my future in the stars? Can they really say anything about who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going? Perhaps I’m clutching at straws. But, perhaps it’s a sign that I should start to practice my new-found self-valuation skills. I should put myself first. It’s about time I looked after myself.