Soulless

On Friday night I went out for drinks after work with P, M and some others. For some reason I was the subject of most of the teasing that night. Most of it was just the usual stuff – I say silly things (“I need a white marker to draw the snow” – whilst drawing mountains on a whiteboard…) and tend to back myself into corners when it comes to arguments – but at one point the joke turned to me dumping Ex just before Christmas and “destroying his soul”. I laughed it off, but it really hurt. I know there’s no good time to end a relationship, but I’m not ready to joke about it yet.

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did. I’m not sure why I’m feeling particularly guilty about it at the minute. I think the thought of Ex in our old flat all on his own is a little sad, but I can’t let those feelings run and run. I know I didn’t end our relationship the best way, and that my timing could have been better, but things just happened, and I can’t undo them. All I can do is carry on in a way that respects me and Ex.

So perhaps I was soulless to cheat on him and break up just before Christmas. But I think I’m stuck with rose-tinted glasses at the minute, and I’m forgetting how badly I felt when he didn’t respect me. Yes he deserved better. But so did I, and I still do. And I will get it.

Guilt

I emailed the husband of my friend (whose 30th birthday it is – he’s organising a surprise party for her) to say I wouldn’t be able to make it afterall. He said he understood, but that they had received some bad news lately and he was relying on this surprise party to make her happy again.

I feel so, so, SO guilty now. I really should go, but I just don’t know where I’ll get the money from. I can’t even borrow it from Boyfriend because I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay him back. Plus I hate borrowing money from him because he stalks me like the Inland Revenue til I pay it back.

Plus I really don’t have the energy to go. I’m so tired. Work stress is killing my energy and I just want to sleep. When I decided not to go I was kind of relieved. But that’s being selfish, isn’t it? I should be there for my friends because I would want them to be there for me. Not that they would – most of my good friends are far, far away and the ones that are here just don’t care.

What should I do? Should I abandon my goal of debt-free-ness for my friend? Or should I stick to my principles? I hate guilt. I hate decisions. More than anything I hate my job for making me so damn tired and grumpy that I spend all my money on crap and then end up too skint to go to my friend’s 30th birthday.