Juicy

I heard some gossip today. It made me think.

I went out with Nice Assistant (K) and her friend (R) for lunch today. We went to the Costa coffee around the corner from our office. When we walked in there was a woman sat down that looked suspiciously like Evil-Ex-Best Friend, but not enough to make me panic and run. I queued up with K and R and then saw a table – right next to familiar-looking-woman. I went over to bags the table and when I got there I was convinced that the woman was indeed Evil-Ex-Best Friend.

I didn’t make eye contact. I don’t even know if she noticed me. I scurried back to K and R and placed my order, then sat down with them. I sat behind K so that I wasn’t in Evil-Ex-Best Friend’s line of sight and carried on as normal. I kept trying to sneak glances to make sure it was her. But she left not long after and I didn’t think much of it really, my carrot cake was too good to be distracted from.

When I got back to the office I emailed A and said I thought I saw Evil-Ex-Best Friend. A replied with:

I totally forgot to tell you! She’s moving to Thailand next month! New job with the same company.

Wow, I said, I knew she wanted to move abroad but she always said Thailand was too grubby; she fancied Dubai or Singapore or somewhere like that. I asked A what the husband was going to do out there. She replied:

He’s not…

Does that mean he’s not going or that he’s not doing anything? Gossip gossip gossip! I know gossip is bad, but I think after what Evil-Ex-Best Friend did to me I have the right to relish in her misfortune. Not that I wish her bad. I just think that she had so much bad karma that something bad would come her way one day. Not that moving to Thailand is bad – she always wanted more sunshine in her life – but if the husband isn’t going/ isn’t working then something can’t be right.

Anyway, I will find out more on Saturday when I go to A’s house for dinner, a champagne-y celebration of my PhD and some salsa. Mmmmm juicy gossip [insert evil laugh here].

Curse or co-inky-dink?

My parents always used to joke that I had a travel curse, because I used to get stuck on trains and planes all the time. Of course this was when I was at high school and University, and the UK’s travel infrastructure has improved somewhat since then; since the same time my travel maladies have become less frequent. However I’ve been thinking about my recent journeys and made an observation:

• At Christmas the snow closed Edinburgh Airport they day I was flying home. I got there, but very delayed
• In February my flight to Birmingham for work was cancelled due to snow in the Midlands
• Coming back from Utah my flight was delayed and I almost missed my connection in Paris
• My train back to Edinburgh after the Easter break was almost going to be cancelled due to industrial action

This list covers every journey I have made in the past 4 months, other than commuting.

Of course it could be a coincidence that I keep experiencing weird travel incidents, but it could also be my travel curse returning.

What should I do to appease the travel gods? I mostly use public transport so it can’t be my carbon footprint (unless Boyfriend’s carbon-footprint karma is so bad from his stupidly high-powered car that it’s rubbing off on me) and I have tried very hard to keep my overall karma in a positive balance lately. Or have I? I can’t really tell. Of course everything I write is subjective. I think I may need to keep a karma diary as well as a dream diary and a food diary.

The gods hate me

I never thought that my flight might be cancelled due to a volcano. But, apparently the earth has fallen into a parallel universe and roaming volcanic ash has caused all flights in and out of Scotland to be cancelled.

After I sorted my money out, got enough to go to France for my friend’s birthday, booked flights and organised my annual leave, it might actually transpire that I can’t go.

They might open the airports, I’m not sure, but at the minute the ash is lingering over the Faroes and is likely to move south. I suspect that the situation may get worse before it gets better though. So I have two choices:

1. abandon my plans and not go
2. get the train – an extra £250

It depends on what my travelling companion wants to do as well. She is travelling from London with EasyJet. Their cancellations policy is pretty lousy so I doubt she’ll get compensated enough to pay for train travel. I booked with AirFrance who are reasonably trustworthy so I’m not so worried about out-of-pocket expenses, just short-term cashflow.

But the French are notoriously anti-English. And my French is appalling. So if I go alone it might not be such a pleasant experience. Last time we were there it was for our friend’s wedding and we were both so glad we were together.

So it’s still up in the air (excuse the pun) at the minute. It’s just typical that when I actually resolve something, Sod’s Law kicks in and tries to ruin my plans. The gods must hate me. I need some good karma points.

Detox

I need to clean out my life. Everything has just got too much. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and yes I’ve had therapy and yes I’m on medication, but that just keeps the depression under control. My life has been neglected and I think that’s why I feel so trapped and so out of control at the same time.

I’ve already partially detoxed:

My friends.

I haven’t been keeping in touch with T very much, and when I do speak to her I am so glad I’m not around her negativity anymore. I wish things could be different, but they aren’t, so, that’s life. I’ve also cut back hugely on the amount I interact with P. It’s not his fault, he’s got a lot going on right now trying to finish his PhD thesis and that’s making him really self absorbed. Maybe when he submits we can catch up again but for now I can’t deal with the way he is acting. So I’m leaving him to it.

Other friends I’ve consolidated. S, A and M are the three people I really trust. I always know they look out for me and I can believe in what they say. I’ve stopped worrying about my lack-of-friends and started to try and think of the positives: I have three great friends who I can always turn to for advice. OK they might not be on my doorstep, but T was a doorstep friend and she was useless. I’ll take trust over convenience any day.

My environment.

I’ve de-cluttered my flat significantly too. I gave all my CDs to charity and I took all my DVDs out of their boxes and filed them in flat cases. I can’t bring myself to get rid of many of my books. I love my books too much. But I’ll get rid of the ones I’m not enamoured with.

I’ve started spring cleaning: I washed the windows inside and out, I cleared the dead foliage from my window boxes and gave them water, and I dusted the flat from top to bottom.

Tomorrow I’m going to raid my wardrobe, put piles of stuff in bags for the bin or the charity shop, and get rid of all the silly little trinkety things I’ve acquired lately. Then, I’ll vacuum all the carpets, clean the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor (I cleaned the worktops already today) and polish the furniture.

OK what next.

My finances.

I may be completely skint this month, but I’ve realised where I’m going wrong. I’ll make it to 27th April (payday) and I should be on a sure footing from then on. I have paid off all my credit cards as well, so other than my student loan, I don’t have any debt at all. Not even an overdraft.

Next month I’m going to set up a standing order of £250 into a savings account; that should help me replenish my savings. I’m also going to get one of those budget planner apps for my iPhone.

My health.

I realised the other night that I wasn’t treating my body very well. Wine and cake does not a temple make. So since then I’ve been keeping to 1,200 calories a day (I have the Livestrong diet and exercise planner on my iPhone too!) and have been out jogging once, and I plan to go again later tonight.

My future.

I need to take something positive out of this really low depression I’m in at the minute, and try and turn it around. What are the things that are getting me down?

• work
• work
• work

I have to realise that I can’t just quit my job. As much as I hate it, if I quit I will have ABSOLUTELY no money because I’ll be unemployed and ineligible for job-seeker’s allowance. So I just need to take deep breaths and try and let it wash over me. It won’t be forever.

I’ve taken a chance and applied for PhD funding. I have no idea if I’ll get it but that’s what I have to focus on for now. This is an investment in my future. Not all investments work out. And if this one doesn’t I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop and go to college in the evening and learn something new, like floristry. I always liked the idea of being a florist. It won’t be the end of the world, it will just be a different world to the one I expected. Either way, I won’t stay in my current job past July at the latest so that’s only 4 months. I can do 4 months. I’ll pad it out with holidays and other milestones.

And I’ve already invested in my future health, as I took the plunge and got braces. They’re really annoying, but not half as bad as I thought and they’re an investment in my future appearance. My main reservations about them were surrounding my appearance. But like I wrote before, my 20s are a write-off anyway, so I may as well start my 30s with a bright clean slate, and amazing teeth. I am not going to be scared of my 30s anymore. Everyone I know who is already 30 is so much happier with themselves. I’m actually looking forward to being there.

My mental health is getting the right attention too. I’ve done all the things I was meant to do and OK, so I have setbacks and everything is still not well, but I’m getting there, and I have to realise that I’ve made good progress and there is more good progress to come. One day I will be happy.

My karma.

OK, this is a tricky one. I’ve built up a lot of bad karma over the years, through being judgemental, bitter, aggressive, selfish and so on. I’d like to think that the people on the receiving end forgive me; some I’ve managed to apologise to, others I’m no longer in touch with. The biggest problem there is that I have a very hard time forgiving myself.

I’m trying to restore my good karma by being open and honest and thinking of others – although not to the extent that I become a pushover again and lose respect for myself and then take it out on others – but I find that I’m surprising myself with negativity where I wouldn’t expect it. That business with Evil Assistant really shocked me. I didn’t expect I would react like that. Nor that I would embark on such a guilt trip afterwards.

The problem with my karma is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am. It’s hard to be true to yourself when you don’t really know who that person is. It makes it hard to know where my karma stands and where I am doing well and what I need to work on. I am trying to forgive myself for my past; after all, I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is try and stay true to myself in the future, so I don’t need to hate everything I do.

So, this detox of my life….

I guess I hope that by detoxing my life I’ll find a path; a way to understanding who I am, in a place where I can accept that and be comfortable with it. I will get there. I just want time, and space, and if I remove the clutter from my life I think I will find what I need.

Random acts of kindness

Last night I got back to Edinburgh from my trip home. I was laden down with bags and was rather tired. When I got off the train there was a huge queue of taxis and hardly any people. Bonus.

I went to get cash (and stopped by M&S to get a bottle of wine) and by the time I got back the taxis were all gone and there was a huge queue of people. Bummer. I joined the back of the queue and thankfully it moved quickly. When I got to second-in-line the man in front of me opened the door to the cab and said

This one’s for you.

Oh don’t worry, I said, it won’t be long til the next one.

Honestly, he said, please take it. It’s Easter.

I thanked him profusely and got in the cab. What a kind man. He had no reason to let me have the taxi, but he did. He put me in such a good mood so I gave the driver a good tip. I hope he passed an act of kindness on. A chain of people could have a smile because of one act from a kind person. Sometimes people are lovely.

Bad attitude, bad karma?

I’m at home visiting my parents this weekend. I brought some rollerblades because I want (need) to practice.

When I was growing up I used to skate up and down the road all summer. I used to play basketball outside the house. I saw a car maybe once or twice an hour, and the occupants tended to smile or wave.

Today I decided to go practice skating outside and it was like being a teenager again. Except there were loads more cars. One neighbour across the road went out in his car, and waved. His wife arrived back in her car. She waved too.

A little old lady drove past and I don’t think she noticed me; she could hardly see over the steering wheel. Then a silver mini-MPV went past. A 30-something man was driving, with a kid in the back. I skated over to the kerb and waited for him to pass, as I would with any car. I smiled, as I always do, but it wasn’t returned. This guy, for whatever reason, thought it would be better to respond to my smile by slowing down and sneering at me as he drove past.

I have no idea why he sneered. I don’t know what I did wrong. I suspect it was simply to be there, on skates. I suspect he has major preconceptions that skaters are bad.

He had a bad attitude. He judged me without knowing who I was or what I was doing (other than trying to skate). I have always thought that bad attitude brings bad karma. Maybe he had other reasons to sneer. But regardless his bad attitude led him to sneer at a stranger. I wonder what people will think of him. I wonder if he gets judged? I wonder if karma will get him back?

Caught

Today I had a meeting in Edinburgh so I told my boss I would be working at home. I was, until about 9:30am when my remote access terminated. I called my assistant and she told me that the server was down and nobody could access email, and that IT had no idea when they could fix it. Bonus! Working at home and nobody has a way of checking if I’m online or not!

I used the opportunity to take a long lunch and go and pick up some parcels that were waiting for me at various courier depots around the city. Off I trundled to pick up my parcels. I stopped off at the supermarket to pick up some batteries for my new internet radio (so excited) and didn’t rush at anything.

I got a text from my assistant around 30 minutes after I left, saying the server was back up. Uhoh – I was out! I texted her back saying I was just at the Post Office (partially true – I was going to the depot) and would be back in 15 mins. I hurried back with my spoils and went to open the front door when I realised I had NO KEYS. NO KEYS!!

Panic stations: I called P (my spare-key-keeper) but he didn’t answer. I knew people would be wondering why I wasn’t logged on so I bit the bullet and called a locksmith. £55 later I’m in, logged on, and actually have no emails so the panic was unwarranted. But then it could have gone the other way – I could have got in major trouble.

I realised that karma gave me a major telling off today. I shouldn’t take advantage of my boss’ trusting nature anymore. He’s nice to me, and I need to respect that he trusts me with an expectation that I am deserving of it. No more skiving. Promise.

A slippery slope?

A while ago I wrote about my declining moral integrity, as indicated when I pulled a sickie. I think it is a slippery slope to becoming amoral: I have come to the conclusion that I don’t care.

This afternoon I am ditching work. Not out of laziness but because I need to finalise my PhD application. It’s an online application process and I need to upload some documents, but being control freaks, our IT department block any sites that allow the upload of MS Office files.

I could have just gone home early, but sod’s law would probably mean my train would break down or I’d get hit by a bus, so I decided that the safest thing was to head home asap.

I told my boss that I had to pick up some stuff from my orthodontist. It’s not a bare-faced lie; I do need to get some dental wax but that’s not my reason for going home.

I don’t know if this gives me negative karma points. I really hope not, because that might mean I don’t deserve to get PhD funding.

Cross everything for me. I’m going to need it.

My name is [...]

No, I’m not going to write that.  I just feel like Earl.  You know from that tv show where a guy decides he has to make amends for all the horrible things he has done? Maybe I’m like Earl, still in negative karma, and that’s why fate keeps taking what I need/ want away from me.

I mentioned to P that I can be a nasty, mean person. He didn’t believe me. He never does when I try and convince him that I’m not innocent enough to deserve unconditional acceptance. I keep trying to convince him that I’m not as benign as he thinks I am. I have lied to him, manipulated him, insulted him, been selfish, arrogant, dismissive, judgemental.  But he just doesn’t care. It either doesn’t bother him or he hasn’t noticed.

Sometimes I wish someone would notice, even if it meant I got a telling off, just so I could tell whether I was imagining all this stuff or whether I just have very forgiving (or unperceptive) acquaintances.

Kindness of Strangers

This morning I received two lovely acts of kindness from complete strangers.  Days like this restore my faith in people.

Firstly, when I left the house this morning snow had fallen heavily overnight, but it had also frozen solid, so the whole southside of the city was an ice rink.  Coming round a corner I almost bumped into a man in a big suit coat with a briefcase and because it was so slippy my feet went straight out from under me.  Briefcase man rescued me though.  It was like a scene from a movie. He dropped his briefcase and caught me with one arm and stood me back up.  I was almost too shocked to whisper a breathless “thank you”.  With a wink and a smile he was away.