It’s been a few weeks since I wrote here. My new year went uneventfully. I got most of my stuff from the old flat, the cats are settled in, I’m settled in (mostly) and getting on with life.
I’ve been seeing more of P. He stayed here for a few days after new year. It was really nice just to hang out, spend time together without seeing work people etc. We still haven’t told anyone we’re together. I don’t really care, but P is worried about damaging his carefully crafted persona in uni, particularly the reaction from one or two people… Like I said, I don’t really care who knows or doesn’t know, but I just wonder how important this reputation is to him?
I know when we got together we both wanted to take things slowly. I’d just ended a 4-year relationship and he had been single for 2 years and wasn’t sure how to be with someone. But I have a horrible feeling that I’m quite attached to him, and I don’t know what to do.
Last week I was at a research conference with some other people from uni. At lunch one day a random guy from another uni sat down with us. He seemed nice enough and I was polite and chatted to him, which to my colleagues was equivalent to me accepting a marriage proposal from him. For the rest of the conference they were trying to set me up with him (and other random guys). I kept P informed of this and he thought it was hilarious, which I guess it was, but it got me thinking: did he care?
This week I won’t see him much. I have appointments galore in Edinburgh so I won’t get in to Stirling until Thursday. At the weekend I asked him if he wanted some space – his viva is on the 28th and I know when he’s stressed he doesn’t like people around him – but he said it would be ok, and that this week would give him the chance to work, then next week he’d need me around to calm him down.
So, all that is fine. I get time to do my stuff (I’ve been neglecting some admin and some work-y things through being distracted by him) and he gets time to do his. But what I realised this week is that I kind-of miss him. We have a great time together. I feel so comfortable with him and I enjoy being with him; this is the first time I’ve ever been able to say that about a guy I’m with. I’m not afraid of him.
I guess I’m a little worried. I feel almost happy with my life. OK so I have obstacles like my jaw surgery, coming off the anti-depressants… but those are just minor. Otherwise I have almost everything I want just now. A job I love, friends I like, a man I’m growing a great deal of affection for… What if it all goes wrong?
I suppose I need to be patient. I don’t know what will happen. I am trying to be philosophical about it – what will happen will happen, no matter how much I worry – but it’s hard. I’ll keep trying though. I won’t let my psyche ruin this for me!
