I’m struggling.
This week is taxing me. I’m really tired, I’m overeating, I’ve got no energy, I tried to go running but my bursitis has flared up, I’m putting on weight, I don’t like my new haircut, work sucks, it’s freezing, I’m stressed, I’m skint, I’m bored, I’m not allowed contact lenses because the air-con in our office has scarred my corneas… My good mood is over. I’ve slumped.
This week just bites.
I hadn’t noticed how long it had been since I wrote here. For most people, a post every few days would be enough, but for me, Little Miss Three-Posts-a-Day, it has been a while.
I’ve noticed that I haven’t felt the ‘urge’ to write as much as I used to. One reason is that I’m lazy. Another is that I don’t really have much to write about. Well, not that I need to write about anyway. There’s still a load of stuff going on:
I think that’s all. I will probably be back and write a bit about other stuff sometime. Right now I’m still suffering from the lurgy and need to lie down again.
I spent money. I’m a bad, bad person.
I bought my necessities in Boots, and I picked up my ballet shoes. I got a card for my Grandpa (who is 92 tomorrow!) in Paperchase and remembered I needed magnets so I bought some magnets too. Then on the way home I made the mistake of walking past Jo Malone and they just happened to be burning a candle of my favourite scent, Red Roses.
I had to go in. Then I had to try some of the cologne on. Then it smelled so good that I had to buy it. £32 later… Oops.
I need to clean out my life. Everything has just got too much. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and yes I’ve had therapy and yes I’m on medication, but that just keeps the depression under control. My life has been neglected and I think that’s why I feel so trapped and so out of control at the same time.
I’ve already partially detoxed:
My friends.
I haven’t been keeping in touch with T very much, and when I do speak to her I am so glad I’m not around her negativity anymore. I wish things could be different, but they aren’t, so, that’s life. I’ve also cut back hugely on the amount I interact with P. It’s not his fault, he’s got a lot going on right now trying to finish his PhD thesis and that’s making him really self absorbed. Maybe when he submits we can catch up again but for now I can’t deal with the way he is acting. So I’m leaving him to it.
Other friends I’ve consolidated. S, A and M are the three people I really trust. I always know they look out for me and I can believe in what they say. I’ve stopped worrying about my lack-of-friends and started to try and think of the positives: I have three great friends who I can always turn to for advice. OK they might not be on my doorstep, but T was a doorstep friend and she was useless. I’ll take trust over convenience any day.
My environment.
I’ve de-cluttered my flat significantly too. I gave all my CDs to charity and I took all my DVDs out of their boxes and filed them in flat cases. I can’t bring myself to get rid of many of my books. I love my books too much. But I’ll get rid of the ones I’m not enamoured with.
I’ve started spring cleaning: I washed the windows inside and out, I cleared the dead foliage from my window boxes and gave them water, and I dusted the flat from top to bottom.
Tomorrow I’m going to raid my wardrobe, put piles of stuff in bags for the bin or the charity shop, and get rid of all the silly little trinkety things I’ve acquired lately. Then, I’ll vacuum all the carpets, clean the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor (I cleaned the worktops already today) and polish the furniture.
OK what next.
My finances.
I may be completely skint this month, but I’ve realised where I’m going wrong. I’ll make it to 27th April (payday) and I should be on a sure footing from then on. I have paid off all my credit cards as well, so other than my student loan, I don’t have any debt at all. Not even an overdraft.
Next month I’m going to set up a standing order of £250 into a savings account; that should help me replenish my savings. I’m also going to get one of those budget planner apps for my iPhone.
My health.
I realised the other night that I wasn’t treating my body very well. Wine and cake does not a temple make. So since then I’ve been keeping to 1,200 calories a day (I have the Livestrong diet and exercise planner on my iPhone too!) and have been out jogging once, and I plan to go again later tonight.
My future.
I need to take something positive out of this really low depression I’m in at the minute, and try and turn it around. What are the things that are getting me down?
I have to realise that I can’t just quit my job. As much as I hate it, if I quit I will have ABSOLUTELY no money because I’ll be unemployed and ineligible for job-seeker’s allowance. So I just need to take deep breaths and try and let it wash over me. It won’t be forever.
I’ve taken a chance and applied for PhD funding. I have no idea if I’ll get it but that’s what I have to focus on for now. This is an investment in my future. Not all investments work out. And if this one doesn’t I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop and go to college in the evening and learn something new, like floristry. I always liked the idea of being a florist. It won’t be the end of the world, it will just be a different world to the one I expected. Either way, I won’t stay in my current job past July at the latest so that’s only 4 months. I can do 4 months. I’ll pad it out with holidays and other milestones.
And I’ve already invested in my future health, as I took the plunge and got braces. They’re really annoying, but not half as bad as I thought and they’re an investment in my future appearance. My main reservations about them were surrounding my appearance. But like I wrote before, my 20s are a write-off anyway, so I may as well start my 30s with a bright clean slate, and amazing teeth. I am not going to be scared of my 30s anymore. Everyone I know who is already 30 is so much happier with themselves. I’m actually looking forward to being there.
My mental health is getting the right attention too. I’ve done all the things I was meant to do and OK, so I have setbacks and everything is still not well, but I’m getting there, and I have to realise that I’ve made good progress and there is more good progress to come. One day I will be happy.
My karma.
OK, this is a tricky one. I’ve built up a lot of bad karma over the years, through being judgemental, bitter, aggressive, selfish and so on. I’d like to think that the people on the receiving end forgive me; some I’ve managed to apologise to, others I’m no longer in touch with. The biggest problem there is that I have a very hard time forgiving myself.
I’m trying to restore my good karma by being open and honest and thinking of others – although not to the extent that I become a pushover again and lose respect for myself and then take it out on others – but I find that I’m surprising myself with negativity where I wouldn’t expect it. That business with Evil Assistant really shocked me. I didn’t expect I would react like that. Nor that I would embark on such a guilt trip afterwards.
The problem with my karma is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am. It’s hard to be true to yourself when you don’t really know who that person is. It makes it hard to know where my karma stands and where I am doing well and what I need to work on. I am trying to forgive myself for my past; after all, I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is try and stay true to myself in the future, so I don’t need to hate everything I do.
So, this detox of my life….
I guess I hope that by detoxing my life I’ll find a path; a way to understanding who I am, in a place where I can accept that and be comfortable with it. I will get there. I just want time, and space, and if I remove the clutter from my life I think I will find what I need.
I emailed the husband of my friend (whose 30th birthday it is – he’s organising a surprise party for her) to say I wouldn’t be able to make it afterall. He said he understood, but that they had received some bad news lately and he was relying on this surprise party to make her happy again.
I feel so, so, SO guilty now. I really should go, but I just don’t know where I’ll get the money from. I can’t even borrow it from Boyfriend because I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay him back. Plus I hate borrowing money from him because he stalks me like the Inland Revenue til I pay it back.
Plus I really don’t have the energy to go. I’m so tired. Work stress is killing my energy and I just want to sleep. When I decided not to go I was kind of relieved. But that’s being selfish, isn’t it? I should be there for my friends because I would want them to be there for me. Not that they would – most of my good friends are far, far away and the ones that are here just don’t care.
What should I do? Should I abandon my goal of debt-free-ness for my friend? Or should I stick to my principles? I hate guilt. I hate decisions. More than anything I hate my job for making me so damn tired and grumpy that I spend all my money on crap and then end up too skint to go to my friend’s 30th birthday.
Not even 4 hours since I wrote my post insisting that I would not spend any money, I find myself on Waterstone’s website browsing for books that I don’t need.
I think it’s boredom that is causing the problem today. I’ve been thinking and realised that bar necessities, most of my purchases are done either
When I hate work this much I think my shopping compulsion is getting the better of my common sense. I’ve become an impulsive person anyway, and I think the stress and misery of my job is erroding my rational side.
Perhaps if I think of not spending as a conduit to my enjoyment of my summer (with hopefully a few weekend breaks and a camping road trip included) and the PhD that I really want to get funding for.
I’ve never been great with money. It burns a hole in my pocket. For a long time I’ve used spending as therapy: buy something new and shiny – that proves how valuable I am, and how much I value myself, and what I’m worth blah blah blah. Nobody else values me so I may as well spoil myself with gifts to make myself feel better.
I’ve had to bail myself out of debt a few times in the past. I now have only a fraction of my savings left, but at least I started the new financial year solvent – I payed off all my debt and had a plan to save £200 a month. On paper it worked fine, and I thought I’d been good and not spent any money, but I just checked my balance and even if I don’t buy anything (even food) until 27th April I will have overspent by £5.50.
I’m pretty well paid. My job may be hateful but I can’t complain about the money. But I just can’t seem to stop spending. I went through my statement and I’ve spent £596.59 on nothing. I’m not joking. OK some of it is a one off – like the £67.50 for my ballet course (12 weeks) and £30 for ballet shoes (that I need for the course) but the rest is just nonsense. iTunes is a big offender, as is Marks and Spencers. But there’s lots of cash withdrawals and I have no idea what I’ve got to show for it.
I think I have a problem with spending. But, I am determined to make it through the month in the black. So I am not going to spend any more money. That means that I will have to skip tennis until May, eat breakfast at home and bring home-made lunch with me. Definitely no more Starbucks. I was going to buy a Nike+ chip to monitor my running (I started a couch-to-fit running programme last night) but that can wait til May.
It also means that I will have to cancel the holiday I was planning to take the week after next; it will just be too expensive. It was just a long weekend to London but it was for a friend’s 30th birthday, and I already said I would go. I guess this is the consequence of being irresponsible with money: I have to let people down. I need to learn from this and not let it happen again.
