Three months

Gosh.  I really have procrastinated!

I have achieved some things though.  I have moved house, twice.  I have been discharged from therapy.  I have learned a new database language…

Other things are still the same.  I am still with P.  I am still insecure.  I still doubt that I will ever get anywhere with my PhD.

But, I’m almost happy.  I say almost because I found out this week that I need to have another surgery on my jaw; the metal plates they used to reconstruct it are causing a lot of issues.  Basically, my body is rejecting them, which is ironic because my immune system is usually pants.  It doesn’t defend me against anything.  Except the metal plates which are meant to be there and that only 8% of people react to.

I’ll be 30 in about 6 weeks time.  I hope the surgery is done with by then.  I doubt I’ll be free of braces, but at least I’ll be well on the road to mandibular perfection.  I don’t expect to get my jaw fixed and be magically happy, but the little changes that have been coming over the past few months  give me confidence that I will start my 31st year with a positive frame of mind.

I plan to come  back, sometime, and write.  I’m just not in a writing place right now.  I have a lot keeping me distracted (PhD, my business, P, surgery related things) and it’s just been hard finding a few hours to give this some proper thought.

I will be back, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Groundhog day

I feel like I’ve been here before.  So many times.

The other day I wrote about how I felt left out.  I’ve been thinking about it more and can’t get my head around it.

When P told me the news about his viva I called him – voicemail – and sent him three messages, one saying I was thinking about going to uni to see him to say congrats, but he never got back to me.  On Sunday I got a message from him saying he was sorry for the delay in replying, but his phone was dead… What should I make of that?

I think I was a bit passive aggressive in my response.  That seemed to bypass him completely.  He thanked me for my support leading up to his viva, which was nice, but I was thinking: ok, it’s my turn now, I need support.  But it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. Despite hinting that I’m not doing so well post-surgery, he doesn’t seem to want to know, and only positively responds to me when I’m being upbeat.  I’m worried that he just doesn’t want to deal with how I’m feeling, or worse, that he doesn’t care.

This brings back memories of all the other times he’s left me feeling insecure.  OK, I’m insecure anyway, but there are things that enhance it and things that mitigate it. At the minute, P’s behaviour is enhancing my insecurity and I’m not really sure what to do.

I’m trying to see things from his point of view – his viva means that his PhD is officially finished.  That’s a big change in his life, and I can’t imagine what that feels like. Plus, we’re meant to be taking things slowly and with my surgery and his viva things have been a bit intense lately.

I saw him in work yesterday but hardly spoke to him – I spent most of my time talking to M, and I left early because I was really tired.  I won’t see him this week either: I won’t be in work again until next week because of appointments and errands I have to take care of.  But he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to see me again.

I guess I just don’t know where he is right now; what’s going on with him. And to be honest, I don’t know what’s going on with me either.

Outside

P passed his viva with no corrections. When he messaged me I could have cried with happiness. But I couldn’t speak to him (talking is still hard post-surgery) and I haven’t heard from him since.

I know the whole thing will be entirely overwhelming for him, and he’ll be in some state of shock right now, but I can’t help feel like I’m left out of the whole thing being stuck here. I’m still an outsider at uni – I haven’t quite found my feet yet – and I still feel like I’m an outsider with P.

I guess I’ll see him when I get back to work next week, but in the meantime I’ll have to get over these abandonment issues and try and not let small things get me down.

Patience, grasshopper

It’s been a few weeks since I wrote here. My new year went uneventfully. I got most of my stuff from the old flat, the cats are settled in, I’m settled in (mostly) and getting on with life.

I’ve been seeing more of P. He stayed here for a few days after new year. It was really nice just to hang out, spend time together without seeing work people etc. We still haven’t told anyone we’re together. I don’t really care, but P is worried about damaging his carefully crafted persona in uni, particularly the reaction from one or two people… Like I said, I don’t really care who knows or doesn’t know, but I just wonder how important this reputation is to him?

I know when we got together we both wanted to take things slowly. I’d just ended a 4-year relationship and he had been single for 2 years and wasn’t sure how to be with someone. But I have a horrible feeling that I’m quite attached to him, and I don’t know what to do.

Last week I was at a research conference with some other people from uni. At lunch one day a random guy from another uni sat down with us. He seemed nice enough and I was polite and chatted to him, which to my colleagues was equivalent to me accepting a marriage proposal from him. For the rest of the conference they were trying to set me up with him (and other random guys). I kept P informed of this and he thought it was hilarious, which I guess it was, but it got me thinking: did he care?

This week I won’t see him much. I have appointments galore in Edinburgh so I won’t get in to Stirling until Thursday. At the weekend I asked him if he wanted some space – his viva is on the 28th and I know when he’s stressed he doesn’t like people around him – but he said it would be ok, and that this week would give him the chance to work, then next week he’d need me around to calm him down.

So, all that is fine. I get time to do my stuff (I’ve been neglecting some admin and some work-y things through being distracted by him) and he gets time to do his. But what I realised this week is that I kind-of miss him. We have a great time together. I feel so comfortable with him and I enjoy being with him; this is the first time I’ve ever been able to say that about a guy I’m with. I’m not afraid of him.

I guess I’m a little worried. I feel almost happy with my life. OK so I have obstacles like my jaw surgery, coming off the anti-depressants… but those are just minor. Otherwise I have almost everything I want just now. A job I love, friends I like, a man I’m growing a great deal of affection for… What if it all goes wrong?

I suppose I need to be patient. I don’t know what will happen. I am trying to be philosophical about it – what will happen will happen, no matter how much I worry – but it’s hard. I’ll keep trying though. I won’t let my psyche ruin this for me!

Sad face II

I’ve been at home for a week now and haven’t really been feeling my best. Christmas was really nice, but it was weird not having my sister here.

I was ok for the first few days, but yesterday I really started to feel down. I didn’t even leave the house. I barely even got out of my pjs; I had a shower & slobbed all day in sweats. In the evening I started to feel a bit trapped so I went to my sister’s empty bedroom and watched a movie. Bad idea.

I watched the SATC movie which always makes me sad because I have a probably unrealistic notion that it is an ideal – I should have friends like that. Which I don’t. The bit about new year really got to me, because even though I will be miserable and alone at new year, I don’t have anyone I can call. Which sucks. Yes I have good friends but they are scattered all over the world. I guess I just feel a bit alone.

After the movie I was too depressed just to go to bed, so I went downstairs and watched TV. There was some “celebrities living like they’re self sufficient” TV show on, which was actually really funny. I laughed so hard I thought my stomach would burst. But it was like the laughter was empty. An automatic reaction to something I know I should find funny. While I was laughing, my spirit was outside my body and didn’t take part. I went to bed afterwards and read for a while, but it took me ages to switch my mind off.

I didn’t sleep well last night – I haven’t been sleeping well at all since I got home – and I woke up feeling strange. I got up and made myself some breakfast, and read my book again. I did all the things I know I should do: have a shower, get dressed, go out… but I just felt mean spirited while I was there. It should have been really nice – lunch out with my parents and my brother. But I acted like a brat and snapped at everyone. Which made me feel worse.

I’ve tried to be civil. But I just can’t be bothered. So I feel horrid for being horrid and horrid for not caring enough to not be.

I’m going back to Edinburgh tomorrow and it’s a blessing and a curse. The former because I need some space to breathe. I can’t hear myself think here. But the latter – I know it’s going to hurt. I have to get the last few bits and bobs from the flat, and pick up the cats. Ex is in Egypt working so I won’t see him. I’m worried about how I’ll deal with it; leaving that flat for the last last time and relinquishing all claim to the home I tried and failed to make with Ex.

What’s making it even harder is that he’s been really nice to me. My car has been screwed for a few weeks – since before the unmentionable event – and he was sorting out getting it fixed. I didn’t think he would continue to do so, given what happened, but he did. Today he texted me to say that the car was booked in to the VW dealer on the 5th. He also said that I didn’t need to pay him back the £400 I owed him. I completely forgot about that. I just checked my bank balance too and there’s no way I can afford to pay him back. There’s no way I can afford to do much, actually. I’m owed the best part of £1,000 from various consultancy jobs but until I get paid that I’m completely skint.

Ex is being really nice, and I miss him. I know that our relationship was over, and had been for a while. But I still miss him. That’s ok isn’t it? It doesn’t mean that I want to get back together – because I don’t. My sentiments were completely the opposite just two days ago when we were trying to sort out how I would deal with the cats – I kept telling him “It’s ok for you, you’re on a beach pretending to work, I’m the one who actually has to deal with this”. So, I know it wasn’t working and it won’t work. I guess when I’m feeling low I want things that comfort me, and despite the failings of our relationship it was a comfort.

I’m hoping that I feel a bit better tomorrow. It’s my last day at home and I don’t want to ruin it for my family. I know they worry about me but I just can’t keep my temper sometimes. I will try harder tomorrow. Maybe it will help lift my spirit. Something has to.

Sad face

Today I came back from uni and Ex helped me move the last of my things from the flat. It was really weird. At first I just carried on the way I always did – being grumpy with him and not really engaging in conversation. But when I started packing I felt really sad. It was weird seeing the flat without my stuff in it, and that he’d put his own stamp on things. He already took down my posters and pictures and put his own giant picture up on the bedroom wall.

He came over to the old place and helped me get stuff down from the attic and then sat down for a bit, and we talked about what we would do with the cats and the fish… It felt really sad. Final. Like this was definitely the end. When we still lived in the same flat it didn’t feel over enough, but now it does. On the way out he gave me a hug and said he hoped I had a good Christmas and new year. It was nice to hug him, but it hurt me a bit, because I realised that the comfort I once got from him was gone forever.

I know that I won’t feel sad forever, and neither will he. It will just take time for us to get over what we had. I am on my own now and I need to accept that and deal with it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just different. But I’ll go with it, because I need to focus on me.

Soulless

On Friday night I went out for drinks after work with P, M and some others. For some reason I was the subject of most of the teasing that night. Most of it was just the usual stuff – I say silly things (“I need a white marker to draw the snow” – whilst drawing mountains on a whiteboard…) and tend to back myself into corners when it comes to arguments – but at one point the joke turned to me dumping Ex just before Christmas and “destroying his soul”. I laughed it off, but it really hurt. I know there’s no good time to end a relationship, but I’m not ready to joke about it yet.

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did. I’m not sure why I’m feeling particularly guilty about it at the minute. I think the thought of Ex in our old flat all on his own is a little sad, but I can’t let those feelings run and run. I know I didn’t end our relationship the best way, and that my timing could have been better, but things just happened, and I can’t undo them. All I can do is carry on in a way that respects me and Ex.

So perhaps I was soulless to cheat on him and break up just before Christmas. But I think I’m stuck with rose-tinted glasses at the minute, and I’m forgetting how badly I felt when he didn’t respect me. Yes he deserved better. But so did I, and I still do. And I will get it.

Upside down

Everything has changed in the past few days. Everything.

I made a series of big mistakes.

Thursday was our “end of teaching” work night out.  I usually stay with M, who has a spare room, but she was going on holiday the next day and had to go home early, so I asked P if I could stay at his.  That was the first mistake. Second mistake was staying out til 3am and drinking and dancing. Third mistake sleeping in his bed again, knowing what happened last time and knowing how drunk we were.

We walked home from town, in the snow, and when we got into bed it was freezing so he hugged me, but he went to kiss my forehead and somehow we ended up kissing properly… I don’t know who started it.  I definitely didn’t avoid it though.  So, one thing led to another…

I didn’t get up til 3 the next afternoon, and when I got up he just acted like nothing had happened but I was getting that horrible anxiety feeling in my stomach. Thought I was going to barf.

I texted my friend A and what she said spurred me into action: I couldn’t just forget about what happened.  So I bit the bullet and told P we had to talk.  He just went all quiet and said “I don’t need complications in my life right now, some things you just have to forget about”.  But of course I couldn’t forget about it – I had to tell Boyfriend.  So, he could forget but I pretty much knew I’d killed my relationship.  I really felt like I might have a heart attack.

I kinda lost it at this point.  I admitted that I had thought about him in more than just a friendly way, and that I wouldn’t have slept with him if I didn’t have some feelings for him.  I felt so stupid because obviously it meant more to me than it did to him – for him it was just alcohol.

He said that he couldn’t do relationships any more because he felt like damaged goods, and that was something he didn’t like about himself.  We talked some more and he admitted that it had crossed his mind that there might be something between us, but that he didn’t feel he could do anything about it.  I don’t know how we got there but he asked me what would happen if he said he wanted us to be more than friends.  I said I would need to have a conversation with Boyfriend. But I had to confess my crime anyway, and because of what we did, my relationship with him was probably over anyway.

The more we talked the more P mentioned “what if” we were a couple.  His main reservation is that he might hurt me.  Which he probably will.  It’s obvious that I like him more than he likes me.  But he said he wanted to give “us” a go.  Thing is tho, he never admitted that he liked me.  The most he said was that it had “crossed his mind”.  He admitted that his initial reaction was defensive and childish; he was so used to turning away from relationships because of how people had treated him in the past. I left not long after that, and he kissed me on the way out, but my priority from then on was to talk to Boyfriend.

When I got in I didn’t even take my coat off.  I just said “something happened” and he knew what I was talking about, and just asked “who?”  I told him it was P and he just said that he wasn’t surprised and that he knew it would happen sometime because we’d been drifting apart… which we had.

In all honesty, his reaction upset me more than the breaking up.  He was so understanding, he said that he didn’t hate me and that we’d both screwed up.  It was so sad, I cried buckets.  But I know that even if I hadn’t slept with P, things with Boyfriend were going downhill.  Neither of us had the guts to admit it though.

So I guess I know it’s for the best.  We’re going to carry on living together for now, and we agreed we’d be friends because we still love each other… it’s just not enough anymore.  The bad outweighs the good.

But now I need to figure out what to do about P.  I’ve put my cards on the table but I’ve not really got anything back from him. I know he’s afraid, and so am I, but sometimes you’ve got to take a risk, right?  Or am I in the land of wishful thinking?

I spoke to A and I’m in two minds.  On one hand, I really want to try things out with P; there’s something there. But on the other hand, I’m concerned about his initial reaction.  On another hand – ok, I’m in three minds – I think I could do with some time to get over Boyfriend and to work out what it is that I want from a relationship.

I guess my condition is that if P wants something then he has to convince me he’s up to the challenge.  I won’t see him much this week, which I hope will give him time to think.  As much as I don’t want to put pressure on him, I’m not going to sit back and put my heart on the line for a guy who can’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I think I need to prioritise me right now so I stop making mistakes and start respecting myself; if I don’t, nobody else will.

Protect myself

I’ve had a bit of a weird few days.

Over the weekend I wrote about being abandoned by P and M, and how upset I was by it. On Monday I decided to try and get over it; not bring my bad mood into work. After all, P probably won’t be around for that much longer and I have to be with these other people for at least 3 years.

P was in a bad mood, I could tell as soon as I got in. I bit the bullet and went to speak to him about the teaching work we had to both do that day. He seemed really down and I asked him if he was ok. He said some people had just been messing him about last week and he was a bit fed up. I tried to cheer him up but it wasn’t the best environment to get him to talk.

After work we decided to go for a drink in town, so I left the car at uni and we took the bus – I had the intention that I would just get the last train home.  Over dinner we talked and he got a lot out of his system. He seemed much happier and he even said he felt so much better for having spoken to me. After dinner we went for another drink, and left just in time to get the train. However, something went wrong and I missed the train. It was drawing out of the station as I was trying to buy my ticket. I was stuck.

P thought this was hilarious. He said I could stay at his, but I was mortified. I’ve never missed a train in my life, ever. Especially not one that would involve me being stranded in another town, unable to drive back due to alcohol consumption. Anyway, so by this point I was stuck. P said we may as well go for another drink, which we did. I had fun but at the same time I felt really bad about being stuck here. He had no choice but to let me stay at his. Of course I could have stayed at the office but that would have been a cold and uncomfortable night.

We got a taxi back to his and when we got there I just felt uncomfortable. He said I could choose the bed or the sofa. Of course I didn’t want to sleep on the sofa, but I didn’t want to push him out of his bed either. Eventually he just took my hand and said we’d shared a bed before, so it shouldn’t be a problem now.

It wasn’t a problem. He loaned me a tshirt and some socks (because my feet get cold) and I flopped into bed, quite tired and more than a little tipsy.  We chatted for a while and at some point my hand touched his and he noticed how cold I was. He pulled me closer to him, but I was freezing from head to toe so he put his arms round me and tangled our legs up and we stayed like that all night. I couldn’t sleep, at all, but I didn’t really want to in case I snored or something. At some point he drifted off and I just lay there wondering what on earth was going on.

In the morning, sober, we stayed in bed for a while but eventually he got up and had a shower. I was exhausted so I went back to sleep for a while. When I got up he was his usual grumpy self. Nothing at all was said about the night before. So I have no idea what it was all about.

Today I saw Head Doctor and I mentioned to her the weekend’s events (but not the slumber party) and she said it made her feel a bit uneasy that P had been so dismissive of me. She said she didn’t think I needed a friendship like that. We talked about Boyfriend too, and how I had been feeling unsatisfied with the relationship for a long time. She was concerned that I was letting people treat me badly because I didn’t value myself – any attention is good, right? Even if it ends up in me feeling lousy.

At the end of the session she said I had to protect myself. And she’s right, I do need to value myself more. But does that mean I can’t share a bed with P? Does it mean I have to stop seeing him in case he treats me badly? Does it also mean I have to be harder on Boyfriend, who hasn’t pulled his weight in a long time?

It got me thinking: perhaps, because I don’t respect myself or my needs, other people think its ok to do the same. So, if I started protecting myself – making a point of recognising my needs – would others follow suit?  After all, weeds only grow in neglected gardens.

What do *you* want?

Last night I came to the realisation that about 95% of the people I have considered (either now or in the past) my friends have had ulterior motives.

On Monday night I met M – P’s old flatmate – for a drink to celebrate his new job.  We’ve always got on quite well but I thought nothing of it other than we were friends.  When we met, he was drinking martinis, and drank much quicker than me; I had one glass of wine and he managed 3 drinks.

We had fun, as always, just talking and joking about – that’s normal, right?  That’s not flirting, not in my opinion.  But, perhaps M got the wrong idea.  Because when we left he admitted he had something to tell me. I got a horrible feeling in my stomach at this point.  Then he said he liked me. I had no idea what to do. Then, he kissed me. Twice. I still had no idea what to do. I gave him the lets just be friends speech and left.

I called Boyfriend and told him. He was no help; he thought it was hilarious. But I was pretty upset. How could I have been so clueless? Was it me? Had I done something to lead M on? Boyfriend said that he couldn’t blame M, “because you’re gorgeous”. Again, no help. Thanks Boyfriend.

I didn’t really sleep very well that night and the more I thought about it the more annoyed I got. I genuinely thought M was just a nice guy and I thought we could be friends. But I don’t know how long he liked me for, and how much of his attitude towards me was because he had an ulterior motive. So I trusted that he was nice and was completely naive and gullible.

Once I started along that path I started thinking about other friends who I’ve assumed were genuine but had ulterior motives for being around me. T just liked me because she thought I made her look good – I was her fat, ugly non-model friend. Evil-ex-best-friend just wanted me to sing at her wedding. A consultancy colleague liked me in that way too whereas I just thought he was being nice and helping me out.

So, I’ve started to wonder if people are just all barstewards? So many people aren’t genuine; they always want something. I just want friends that I can trust not to take advantage of my naivety.  Why can’t people just be nice?