Circles

I’ve spent a few hours over the last 3 days reading old blog posts. A few things have come to my attention.

1. Around the beginning of every month I feel more depressed and useless than normal – this is evident in my blog posts as the ones in the first week to ten days of each month are darker than those at the end
2. I respond very well to good weather
3. I create a rod for my own back sometimes – worrying and stressing about things (mostly to do with people) makes me act crazy and I fulfil my own fears
4. My moods were stabilising just before I reduced the dose of my medication; afterwards, they went crazy for a while and they’re only just settling down now. I remember Head Doctor saying it takes 6 months for your brain to adjust to a new dose of medication; mine changed in May/ June (I think) so that means it might be Christmas before I feel normal again

Mostly though, I’ve noticed how I run myself in circles, following the same pattern of negativity and sabotage. Sometimes I read my posts and think yeah I can see where you’re coming from and other times I think bloody hell Suzy, what are you doing? The strange thing is that although I still need that sense-check, I’ve not been doing it lately.  But think about it – I’ve had a lot of change to deal with: I’m in a flat I don’t like (it’s too cold and our downstairs neighbour is a big fat horrible freak), I’ve started a whole new career, with new people, in a new environment, I’m commuting a long way, it’s coming into winter and getting colder and darker… I’m bound to be stressed and tired.  So what am I expecting of myself?

When I wrote my recent posts about thick skin, I was in a foul mood and was suffering. I didn’t rein myself in, I just let the mood run because I was too tired to keep it in check. But just days afterwards I am kicking myself because I realise now that I made myself miserable.

Months ago, when I was down I would write here and get it out of my head. Over the summer I lost the habit, partially out of laziness (I wasn’t in front of a computer all the time, like I was in my previous job) and partially because I didn’t really want to think or talk or do anything. At the time I thought I was going mad, but now looking back at previous posts I think it’s a combination of a reaction to change in life and a change in medication. Those two things are heavy hitters – they have a major impact. So why am I so surprised that I’ve been affected?

I really need to give myself a break and recognise that I’m not losing it – there will always be setbacks, but they’ll pass.

First snow

I was dreading coming into uni today. I knew I had 3 classes to prepare for, and I knew there would be people there who had witnessed my humiliation (ok – maybe a bit melodramatic) on Friday night, and who had observed my absence from the party on Saturday. Although initially I was rather cavalier about about it – who cares, right? – now I’m thinking that I’ve just cut my nose to spite my face, if you understand the expression.

Today there was snow on the hills as I was driving in. It looked really nice, but then I thought: this week will be wholly stormy and wet. It’s already snowing on the higher ground, and the opportunities for getting out and about are dwindling.

I had two opportunities to get out at the weekend: the first was the party, the second was a planned walk with P. But because I was sulking about Friday I didn’t go to the party, and because P didn’t ask me about walking, I assumed he didn’t want to go so abandoned that plan too.

I came in with a giant storm cloud above my head today, ready to be silent and deadly all day, but I realised it’s completely self defeating.  The more I sit and sulk, the worse I feel. I need to find a way to stop this kind of behaviour before it gets out of hand and I ruin more of my life.