Patience, grasshopper II

Well I got a surprise on Tuesday.

I went to see my orthodontist for a regular appointment, just to see if I was ready for surgery. The surgeon was there and he said that he wouldn’t have time to do my surgery before he departed for pastures new in March… unless…

He hum-ed and hah-ed and then asked me what my schedule was. I said I was flexible, and he said he could do my surgery tomorrow if I could get myself to the hospital tonight. Wow. I was not expecting that. I said ok, lets do it, and left, but it wasn’t til I got outside that I realised what I was doing. I had just committed myself to major surgery at a moment’s notice, with no support system around me and no contingency plans. I wobbled.

I called mum first, and she tried to talk me out of it. Neither her nor dad were in a position to come up. That wasn’t my main concern though, my main worries were 1) cats and 2) P.  He has his viva soon and I wanted to support him through that. Recovering from surgery doesn’t allow me to do that. And the cats… well they need feeding.

Thankfully I gave myself a talking to. I called P and talked to him about my worries. He said he would be fine, and in all honesty it would be ok because he wouldn’t be a nice person to be around, with the stress of the viva. So I decided: I was going for it. I went to the hospital on Tuesday afternoon, had the surgery Wednesday morning, my mum arrived Wednesday evening, and I’m now at home, on the sofa, writing this.

I am glad that I had the surgery. It’s crappy. I’m in pain, I look like I’ve been beaten up (well, I have been, just voluntarily and by someone who is trained to inflict injury) and I’m tired. I feel ugly and grumpy and frustrated. But if I hadn’t had surgery on Wednesday, I would still have all this to go through… does that make sense? Now I am on the road to recovery. I’m on the road to getting my face back. I don’t have to cross that “surgery” milestone… it’s crossed. Now I just need to get better.

It’s hard being patient though. I just want the healing done now. I could tolerate the pain, but I can’t deal with the bruising and swelling. I feel too ugly to go outside, and I think going outside and seeing people would make time pass more quickly.

Hopefully everything will start to get better soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Sad face II

I’ve been at home for a week now and haven’t really been feeling my best. Christmas was really nice, but it was weird not having my sister here.

I was ok for the first few days, but yesterday I really started to feel down. I didn’t even leave the house. I barely even got out of my pjs; I had a shower & slobbed all day in sweats. In the evening I started to feel a bit trapped so I went to my sister’s empty bedroom and watched a movie. Bad idea.

I watched the SATC movie which always makes me sad because I have a probably unrealistic notion that it is an ideal – I should have friends like that. Which I don’t. The bit about new year really got to me, because even though I will be miserable and alone at new year, I don’t have anyone I can call. Which sucks. Yes I have good friends but they are scattered all over the world. I guess I just feel a bit alone.

After the movie I was too depressed just to go to bed, so I went downstairs and watched TV. There was some “celebrities living like they’re self sufficient” TV show on, which was actually really funny. I laughed so hard I thought my stomach would burst. But it was like the laughter was empty. An automatic reaction to something I know I should find funny. While I was laughing, my spirit was outside my body and didn’t take part. I went to bed afterwards and read for a while, but it took me ages to switch my mind off.

I didn’t sleep well last night – I haven’t been sleeping well at all since I got home – and I woke up feeling strange. I got up and made myself some breakfast, and read my book again. I did all the things I know I should do: have a shower, get dressed, go out… but I just felt mean spirited while I was there. It should have been really nice – lunch out with my parents and my brother. But I acted like a brat and snapped at everyone. Which made me feel worse.

I’ve tried to be civil. But I just can’t be bothered. So I feel horrid for being horrid and horrid for not caring enough to not be.

I’m going back to Edinburgh tomorrow and it’s a blessing and a curse. The former because I need some space to breathe. I can’t hear myself think here. But the latter – I know it’s going to hurt. I have to get the last few bits and bobs from the flat, and pick up the cats. Ex is in Egypt working so I won’t see him. I’m worried about how I’ll deal with it; leaving that flat for the last last time and relinquishing all claim to the home I tried and failed to make with Ex.

What’s making it even harder is that he’s been really nice to me. My car has been screwed for a few weeks – since before the unmentionable event – and he was sorting out getting it fixed. I didn’t think he would continue to do so, given what happened, but he did. Today he texted me to say that the car was booked in to the VW dealer on the 5th. He also said that I didn’t need to pay him back the £400 I owed him. I completely forgot about that. I just checked my bank balance too and there’s no way I can afford to pay him back. There’s no way I can afford to do much, actually. I’m owed the best part of £1,000 from various consultancy jobs but until I get paid that I’m completely skint.

Ex is being really nice, and I miss him. I know that our relationship was over, and had been for a while. But I still miss him. That’s ok isn’t it? It doesn’t mean that I want to get back together – because I don’t. My sentiments were completely the opposite just two days ago when we were trying to sort out how I would deal with the cats – I kept telling him “It’s ok for you, you’re on a beach pretending to work, I’m the one who actually has to deal with this”. So, I know it wasn’t working and it won’t work. I guess when I’m feeling low I want things that comfort me, and despite the failings of our relationship it was a comfort.

I’m hoping that I feel a bit better tomorrow. It’s my last day at home and I don’t want to ruin it for my family. I know they worry about me but I just can’t keep my temper sometimes. I will try harder tomorrow. Maybe it will help lift my spirit. Something has to.

I love loprazolam

Yesterday sucked. Really sucked. I couldn’t get out of the slump I was in. I couldn’t stop crying and it got to the point where I cut my arms just to stop the hysteria. I know I know, it’s stupid, but having a physical pain took my mind off whatever emotional pain I was feeling. It’s embarrassing. But it worked, to an extent. I stopped crying, slept for a bit, then dragged my duvet to the living room and watched TV all evening.

I distracted myself for long enough to make it to double figures (12 hour clock) then took some sleeping pills and waited. After half an hour I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and went to bed and slept for 12 hours with hardly any dreams.

Having some sleep helped me, but today the effects of yesterday are lingering like a bad hangover. I feel emotionally bruised, but with nothing to fight against. I reiterate my thoughts from yesterday’s post: I don’t know if this is real or not. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether what I’m feeling is right or wrong. If it’s wrong, I need to get my head to realise that asap. But if it’s right, well, there’s nothing I can do anyway. So no matter what I just need to get over it.

More weird dreams

Since my strange sunburn dream the other day, I’ve had another two odd dreams:

• I was in the passenger seat drunk and in control of the car. I was leaning across and pressing the pedals with my hands. I was following Boyfriend who was driving another car in front of me, but he kept cutting across gardens and I was too drunk to have the sense not to follow him and my glasses were steaming up anyway so I couldn’t see where I was going. Eventually I thought it was too dangerous, and stopped and stayed in this couple’s house overnight, then in the morning I found my glasses and TomTom and started driving back to my parents house where we had been staying. For some reason the house I had spent the night in was in Durham so had to make my way back from there. Odd.
• I was staying in this big country house with my family, and it was the night before I was getting my braces, and I was having breakfast when I realised I only had 7 minutes to get to my orthodontist appointment to get my braces on. I started crying hysterically and I ran to pull some clothes on but then I noticed the clock in the bedroom was 20 minutes earlier than the one in the kitchen, so I thought I’d have a shower but then there were no towels. I raided a cupboard looking for towels but each time I found one it turned out to be something else, like a curtain or an electric blanket. I looked back at the clock again and it was 40 minutes after my appointment and I’d missed it. I started screaming at the top of my voice “I hate my life” and that’s when I woke up. Tres odd.

I’ve not slept properly for the last few days; I’ve found it really hard to fall asleep and then there are these strange dreams that wake me up. I’m hoping that some exercise will help (I’m going skating tomorrow and playing tennis on Sunday, and I’m hoping to motivate myself to go for a very gentle jog tonight) because it’s really starting to get on my nerves.