Perfect opportunity

Well I’m back in my sick-bed.  Recovery-bed.  Recovery-bean-bag actually.

My body decided that it didn’t like the metal screws and plates the surgeon used to reconstruct my jaw, so I had another operation on Friday to have them removed on one side, as an experiment, to see if I got less trouble.

It was day surgery this time, meant to be simple.  I had a new surgeon.  Mr K, the surgeon who originally fixed my face, works at another hospital now.  New Surgeon is rubbish.  I know this for three reasons:

1. the inside of my mouth is like mincemeat
2. I have more pain and swelling than last time
3. he didn’t come to see me after the procedure.  Probably because he knew I would ask WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH??

The nurses, as always, were lovely.  They got me as many painkillers as they could and I took all of them.  I needed them.  I even needed the opiate painkillers I was prescribed (but never used) last time.

P drove me home afterwards.  Saturday was a write off.  On Sunday I managed a trip to the supermarket but only got as far as aisle 4 before I started to get dizzy.  Today I managed to drive but I also managed to pull one of the stitches in my mouth so I feel a bit sorry for myself.

Now in my PJs, drinking tea, watching nonsense on TV, realising that I have a perfect opportunity to post on my blog again.  I’ve got a couple of milestone events coming up and I thought it would be nice to document them.

Firstly, in one week and two days, I’m getting my braces taken off.  I’ll have to wear a retainer, but this will be removable.  My teeth will be free!

Secondly, I’m turning 30.  Thirty.  Three-oh.  Bloody hell.

Three months

Gosh.  I really have procrastinated!

I have achieved some things though.  I have moved house, twice.  I have been discharged from therapy.  I have learned a new database language…

Other things are still the same.  I am still with P.  I am still insecure.  I still doubt that I will ever get anywhere with my PhD.

But, I’m almost happy.  I say almost because I found out this week that I need to have another surgery on my jaw; the metal plates they used to reconstruct it are causing a lot of issues.  Basically, my body is rejecting them, which is ironic because my immune system is usually pants.  It doesn’t defend me against anything.  Except the metal plates which are meant to be there and that only 8% of people react to.

I’ll be 30 in about 6 weeks time.  I hope the surgery is done with by then.  I doubt I’ll be free of braces, but at least I’ll be well on the road to mandibular perfection.  I don’t expect to get my jaw fixed and be magically happy, but the little changes that have been coming over the past few months  give me confidence that I will start my 31st year with a positive frame of mind.

I plan to come  back, sometime, and write.  I’m just not in a writing place right now.  I have a lot keeping me distracted (PhD, my business, P, surgery related things) and it’s just been hard finding a few hours to give this some proper thought.

I will be back, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Back to basics

I haven’t really been feeling great lately.  Things with P resolved ok, but I’ve got some issues that I thought I’d dealt with, but have been resurfacing.

Today I went to see Head Doctor.  She helped me accept that it’s ok to struggle right now – I’ve just had major surgery, I can’t eat yet, I’m tired and I’m still getting used to the way I look.

I mentioned to her that I hadn’t really been maintaining my journal… she said that maybe I should start writing more regularly, rather than just when I feel awful, otherwise this blog will just be about my misery, not about my life.

So, back to basics of blogging.  Tomorrow.

Outside

P passed his viva with no corrections. When he messaged me I could have cried with happiness. But I couldn’t speak to him (talking is still hard post-surgery) and I haven’t heard from him since.

I know the whole thing will be entirely overwhelming for him, and he’ll be in some state of shock right now, but I can’t help feel like I’m left out of the whole thing being stuck here. I’m still an outsider at uni – I haven’t quite found my feet yet – and I still feel like I’m an outsider with P.

I guess I’ll see him when I get back to work next week, but in the meantime I’ll have to get over these abandonment issues and try and not let small things get me down.

Getting there

So it’s been over a week since surgery and I’m feeling a bit better.

The hardest time was actually over the 6th and 7th days.  I felt tired, weepy, ugly… I hadn’t slept very much and the lack of proper food was getting to me.

Today has been a turning point though. I saw the surgeon today and he took my stitches out. He said I can try to have some thicker liquids (lentil soup rather than broth!) and take the bands out to brush my teeth properly (so far I’ve only been able to brush the outside, not inside) so that should help me feel a bit brighter and cleaner.

I still should be sleeping upright but I’m getting pretty sick of that so I might just start lying down again. I think if I could sleep I’d feel much better.

My friend M from uni came to visit today, she brought me flowers and we went out for coffee and had a gossip about what I’ve been missing. It was really nice to get out and see civilisation.

P has his viva tomorrow. I’m so nervous for him, I almost feel sick. I just wish I could help in some way but I know there’s absolutely nothing I can do. I hope that after it we can pick up where we left off – I’ve not seen him since before surgery. I’m actually really nervous about seeing him again – what if he doesn’t like the way I look?  I’m still a bit swollen and bruised.

I guess I should try and think positively. I’m getting there. Slowly.

Patience, grasshopper II

Well I got a surprise on Tuesday.

I went to see my orthodontist for a regular appointment, just to see if I was ready for surgery. The surgeon was there and he said that he wouldn’t have time to do my surgery before he departed for pastures new in March… unless…

He hum-ed and hah-ed and then asked me what my schedule was. I said I was flexible, and he said he could do my surgery tomorrow if I could get myself to the hospital tonight. Wow. I was not expecting that. I said ok, lets do it, and left, but it wasn’t til I got outside that I realised what I was doing. I had just committed myself to major surgery at a moment’s notice, with no support system around me and no contingency plans. I wobbled.

I called mum first, and she tried to talk me out of it. Neither her nor dad were in a position to come up. That wasn’t my main concern though, my main worries were 1) cats and 2) P.  He has his viva soon and I wanted to support him through that. Recovering from surgery doesn’t allow me to do that. And the cats… well they need feeding.

Thankfully I gave myself a talking to. I called P and talked to him about my worries. He said he would be fine, and in all honesty it would be ok because he wouldn’t be a nice person to be around, with the stress of the viva. So I decided: I was going for it. I went to the hospital on Tuesday afternoon, had the surgery Wednesday morning, my mum arrived Wednesday evening, and I’m now at home, on the sofa, writing this.

I am glad that I had the surgery. It’s crappy. I’m in pain, I look like I’ve been beaten up (well, I have been, just voluntarily and by someone who is trained to inflict injury) and I’m tired. I feel ugly and grumpy and frustrated. But if I hadn’t had surgery on Wednesday, I would still have all this to go through… does that make sense? Now I am on the road to recovery. I’m on the road to getting my face back. I don’t have to cross that “surgery” milestone… it’s crossed. Now I just need to get better.

It’s hard being patient though. I just want the healing done now. I could tolerate the pain, but I can’t deal with the bruising and swelling. I feel too ugly to go outside, and I think going outside and seeing people would make time pass more quickly.

Hopefully everything will start to get better soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me!