Sad face

Today I came back from uni and Ex helped me move the last of my things from the flat. It was really weird. At first I just carried on the way I always did – being grumpy with him and not really engaging in conversation. But when I started packing I felt really sad. It was weird seeing the flat without my stuff in it, and that he’d put his own stamp on things. He already took down my posters and pictures and put his own giant picture up on the bedroom wall.

He came over to the old place and helped me get stuff down from the attic and then sat down for a bit, and we talked about what we would do with the cats and the fish… It felt really sad. Final. Like this was definitely the end. When we still lived in the same flat it didn’t feel over enough, but now it does. On the way out he gave me a hug and said he hoped I had a good Christmas and new year. It was nice to hug him, but it hurt me a bit, because I realised that the comfort I once got from him was gone forever.

I know that I won’t feel sad forever, and neither will he. It will just take time for us to get over what we had. I am on my own now and I need to accept that and deal with it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just different. But I’ll go with it, because I need to focus on me.

Tempus fugit

Today is 19th September. Can you believe it? In a few days it will be officially autumn. I started this blog a year ago; how time has flown by.

A year ago seems like a lifetime. Nothing has happened really, but I don’t remember what I was like this time last year. Reading my blog is a strange experience because it doesn’t seem like I wrote it.

I don’t really know how I feel at the minute. I’m at my parents’ house so I’m away from my normal thinking spot. Hopefully I’ll find some wisdom soon.

Trapped by life!

So I’ve almost finished packing. I still need to pack the crockery and cutlery up from the kitchen, and the stuff I need in the bathroom, but that’s it. Oh, apart from  a stack of “stuff that doesn’t go with anything else” that’s sitting on my bed. Mr Cat is sleeping in the middle of it. (He loves clutter and boxes. All cats love boxes: why?)

Anyway, the current tally is:

• 4 giant boxes
• 2 big fat plastic boxes
• 8 medium boxes
• 2 linen boxes
• 6 little boxes

Even though I’ve taken about 12 bags of stuff either to the charity shop of the bin, I feel like I’ve got way too much stuff and it’s making me feel trapped. I’ve been really ruthless with getting rid of stuff too, but it still seems like too much. Five years of living in my own place has just given me too much stuff, and no matter how much I get rid of, I’ve become accustomed to luxuries so even though I’ve cut back, the minimum amount I can bear is more than I expected.

It’s actually stressing me out! I don’t even know what to get rid of anymore. I’ve got time-related clutter! What do I do with it?

Detox

I need to clean out my life. Everything has just got too much. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and yes I’ve had therapy and yes I’m on medication, but that just keeps the depression under control. My life has been neglected and I think that’s why I feel so trapped and so out of control at the same time.

I’ve already partially detoxed:

My friends.

I haven’t been keeping in touch with T very much, and when I do speak to her I am so glad I’m not around her negativity anymore. I wish things could be different, but they aren’t, so, that’s life. I’ve also cut back hugely on the amount I interact with P. It’s not his fault, he’s got a lot going on right now trying to finish his PhD thesis and that’s making him really self absorbed. Maybe when he submits we can catch up again but for now I can’t deal with the way he is acting. So I’m leaving him to it.

Other friends I’ve consolidated. S, A and M are the three people I really trust. I always know they look out for me and I can believe in what they say. I’ve stopped worrying about my lack-of-friends and started to try and think of the positives: I have three great friends who I can always turn to for advice. OK they might not be on my doorstep, but T was a doorstep friend and she was useless. I’ll take trust over convenience any day.

My environment.

I’ve de-cluttered my flat significantly too. I gave all my CDs to charity and I took all my DVDs out of their boxes and filed them in flat cases. I can’t bring myself to get rid of many of my books. I love my books too much. But I’ll get rid of the ones I’m not enamoured with.

I’ve started spring cleaning: I washed the windows inside and out, I cleared the dead foliage from my window boxes and gave them water, and I dusted the flat from top to bottom.

Tomorrow I’m going to raid my wardrobe, put piles of stuff in bags for the bin or the charity shop, and get rid of all the silly little trinkety things I’ve acquired lately. Then, I’ll vacuum all the carpets, clean the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor (I cleaned the worktops already today) and polish the furniture.

OK what next.

My finances.

I may be completely skint this month, but I’ve realised where I’m going wrong. I’ll make it to 27th April (payday) and I should be on a sure footing from then on. I have paid off all my credit cards as well, so other than my student loan, I don’t have any debt at all. Not even an overdraft.

Next month I’m going to set up a standing order of £250 into a savings account; that should help me replenish my savings. I’m also going to get one of those budget planner apps for my iPhone.

My health.

I realised the other night that I wasn’t treating my body very well. Wine and cake does not a temple make. So since then I’ve been keeping to 1,200 calories a day (I have the Livestrong diet and exercise planner on my iPhone too!) and have been out jogging once, and I plan to go again later tonight.

My future.

I need to take something positive out of this really low depression I’m in at the minute, and try and turn it around. What are the things that are getting me down?

• work
• work
• work

I have to realise that I can’t just quit my job. As much as I hate it, if I quit I will have ABSOLUTELY no money because I’ll be unemployed and ineligible for job-seeker’s allowance. So I just need to take deep breaths and try and let it wash over me. It won’t be forever.

I’ve taken a chance and applied for PhD funding. I have no idea if I’ll get it but that’s what I have to focus on for now. This is an investment in my future. Not all investments work out. And if this one doesn’t I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll get a job in a shop and go to college in the evening and learn something new, like floristry. I always liked the idea of being a florist. It won’t be the end of the world, it will just be a different world to the one I expected. Either way, I won’t stay in my current job past July at the latest so that’s only 4 months. I can do 4 months. I’ll pad it out with holidays and other milestones.

And I’ve already invested in my future health, as I took the plunge and got braces. They’re really annoying, but not half as bad as I thought and they’re an investment in my future appearance. My main reservations about them were surrounding my appearance. But like I wrote before, my 20s are a write-off anyway, so I may as well start my 30s with a bright clean slate, and amazing teeth. I am not going to be scared of my 30s anymore. Everyone I know who is already 30 is so much happier with themselves. I’m actually looking forward to being there.

My mental health is getting the right attention too. I’ve done all the things I was meant to do and OK, so I have setbacks and everything is still not well, but I’m getting there, and I have to realise that I’ve made good progress and there is more good progress to come. One day I will be happy.

My karma.

OK, this is a tricky one. I’ve built up a lot of bad karma over the years, through being judgemental, bitter, aggressive, selfish and so on. I’d like to think that the people on the receiving end forgive me; some I’ve managed to apologise to, others I’m no longer in touch with. The biggest problem there is that I have a very hard time forgiving myself.

I’m trying to restore my good karma by being open and honest and thinking of others – although not to the extent that I become a pushover again and lose respect for myself and then take it out on others – but I find that I’m surprising myself with negativity where I wouldn’t expect it. That business with Evil Assistant really shocked me. I didn’t expect I would react like that. Nor that I would embark on such a guilt trip afterwards.

The problem with my karma is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am. It’s hard to be true to yourself when you don’t really know who that person is. It makes it hard to know where my karma stands and where I am doing well and what I need to work on. I am trying to forgive myself for my past; after all, I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is try and stay true to myself in the future, so I don’t need to hate everything I do.

So, this detox of my life….

I guess I hope that by detoxing my life I’ll find a path; a way to understanding who I am, in a place where I can accept that and be comfortable with it. I will get there. I just want time, and space, and if I remove the clutter from my life I think I will find what I need.

Down down down

I’m feeling really low today. I feel like I have so much on my mind. I can’t think straight and I’m struggling to motivate myself to do the things I think I should be doing. I’m procrastinating constantly and it’s probably making things worse, but I’m so stressed with work and money and the future that I just can’t make myself do things.

I want to withdraw from life at the minute. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to hit the pause button and wait for this to pass, but there’s no such thing. Guess I just have to keep going and muddle through.

Out of shape

The weather has been getting warmer lately, so for the past two days I’ve been wearing my MBTs to work.  I haven’t worn them since about October, because the weather has been too cold and wet.  Yesterday was ok, but today I definitely felt the strain in my legs. Walking up the hill from the station just now was really difficult. I felt so unfit. I realised that the last time I attempted any exercise was at the beginning of January. Where did time go?

I feel more out of shape than I ever have been before. I’m still coughing and my throat is still croaky. I feel more out of breath coming up that hill than when I was about a stone heavier. Has the dreaded cold really taken that much out of me? Admittedly, I’ve never had an infection so bad that I’ve actually needed antibiotics before, but even after I had proper ‘flu about two years ago I didn’t feel as unfit afterwards. Is it age?

I need to get back in shape but this week will just be too difficult. I’m so tired from returning to work and I have so much on, trying to write my proposal, going to London, meeting A for salsa, entertaining Mr Cat, trying to do housework (I haven’t vacuumed since before the holiday and breakfast dishes from the weekend are still in the sink)… I’m drained. I don’t have my usual outlets either – Boyfriend is away and Head Doctor is trialling a longer gap between sessions. I need an escape. A goal. I need to know that I’m not going to be stuck in this rut forever.

Impatient!

I got an email from the retired professor P said could help me. At the minute she’s reading my “proposal”. I’m so impatient! I want to know if I can hope or not. And funding applications have to be in by 1st April. So I’m starting to worry.

I got an interview for that job I applied for in early Jan. It’s on the 16th. Everything is too slow! I want out of my job now.

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I know I need to chill out and relax my expectations. Because what I’m starting to go back to my happy fantasy land where everything works out exactly how I imagined it in my head. And I don’t want to go there because it will inevitably lead to disappointment.

I need to regulate my mood, monitor my thoughts and mediate my extremes. Real life is about management. I need to manage me.

February, finally

Today is the first day of February. That means that we have finally exited January, the armpit of the year.

What a disgusting month January was. Death, disease, depression, disasters… I hope they can stay in January and that everyone can start looking forward to 2010, the first year of a new decade, the chance to start again, have a clean slate and so on.

Here’s hoping. Don’t let us down February, you know you can do so much better than January.

Peace at last?

I met P last night.  It was fairly awkward.  But I have some peace now.  I say some, because there are still a lot of worries floating round in my head.  But I think the worst of it is over.

I did feel quite guilty making him come out.  I knew he had a lurgy of some kind (turned out to be a cold) and that he’d not been sleeping because of it.  But I knew that it was a now-or-never moment.  I’m tied up for most of this week now, so it would be into next week before I’d get to speak to him, and by then I might have chickened out altogether.  So guilt aside, I went to meet him at a pub near his house last night.  I had butterflies in my stomach, and felt almost nauseous.  I got there early, so I had time to calm down; I didn’t want to bail at the last minute. 

OBE

I haven’t had honours from the Queen. Would be nice, but I don’t think eating my five-a-day for the first time in about 2 months counts as anything special.

No, by OBE I mean out-of body experience. And before you wonder, I am totally sober, haven’t taken anything dodgy and haven’t OD-ed on my meds.

Every now and then my consciousness seems to float 3 feet above my head, wondering what on earth my physical self is doing/saying/thinking. I had one of those moments earlier.

My consciousness thinks I’m losing it. I think it’s right; I’m acting so strangely, I don’t understand it. I’m angry and sad at the same time, aggressive and pathetically apologetic, spineless and unwavering, lost but with direction, and confused but clear about it.

I wonder if I’m splitting into different people? Is that possible? Like in Harry Potter, if you don’t apparate properly you can get spliced. That always sounded painful to me. I wonder if it hurts to be fragmented? I hope not, because I think that’s where I’m headed.

ADDENDUM

The other thing that I get is that I don’t remember writing posts.  It’s like a different person writes them.  When I read the words on the screen I don’t think they’ve come from me.  Am I being haunted?

Head Doctor told me once that when we go through therapy it can feel like you take yourself apart and put yourself back together again, in a better order.  Sometimes you leave bits out though, the distateful ones you want to leave behind.  And sometimes you bring in new aspects, or uncover ones that were hidden. 

Maybe that’s where this is coming from.  I guess it makes sense.  This therapy trip has been almsot 18 months now.  But every time I think I’m getting used to the weirdness, something else strange comes along.  I guess I just have to go with it and keep checking in with Head Doctor to make sure I’m not losing my marbles at the grand old age of 28.