What have I missed?

My brother emigrates to Canada in 3 days.  My sister is living in Shenyang in China.  T (not that I miss her) has moved to London, my friend K is taking a 3 month sabbatical to travel the world… Have I missed something?

It is now 10 years since I moved to Scotland, and other than moving to different places of residence, I’ve stayed put.  Now, starting my PhD, I’ll be here for another 3 years.  I’ve never really travelled much (other than city breaks here and there, in countries where I speak the language, and a summer doing Camp America) and as much as I do feel jealous of my friends and siblings, I don’t really have the drive to get lost.

I am stuck, but as much as I might complain, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  One of my favourite things in the world is my bed (sadly located at my old flat right now – but I WILL get it back) and I really appreciate my home comforts.  I love familiarity and routine, and staying in one country gives me all those things.

So, what have I missed?  Being the eldest, I didn’t really have an adventurous spirit as I was always more concerned about my brother and sister:  settling a good example, learning things (like starting university) the hard way, looking out for them etc.  I never felt that I could just take off and travel.  But I don’t think I’m that type of person.  Not yet.

The past few years have been tumultuous to say the least.  What I need right now is to have a stable environment to make myself happy in; somewhere that gives me space to learn to appreciate who I am.  Once I have that confidence, I think travel might be an option, but until then, I need to stop mourning the chances that have passed me by and appreciate the good things I have in my life just now.  Just because they’re not far-flung and exotic doesn’t mean they’re not valid and incredibly important for me.

I should be in holiday mode :(

Definitely no trip for me. Can’t even get on Air France’s website to re-book; it keeps saying their reservations system is down! Looks like we might go on the weekend after next, which is bank holiday weekend here so I will only need to take 1 day annual leave.

I’m a bit bummed because it looked like the weather was going to be lovely there. But at least I can get some rest this weekend and try and sort my head out. I feel all stressed and bothered at the minute so I think the time out will be good. I can organise my thoughts and be in a much better place when I do eventually go to France, so I guess there’s a silver lining there.

At least the weather is nice today, it’s lovely and sunny. I’m going to work until lunchtime, then go and do some shopping. I need to buy some necessities so it’s not like I’m shopping for fun. I need some air and I need some toothpaste

Exasperated

I am at the end of my tether.

• My flight to Paris tomorrow is cancelled. The Eurostar is all booked up and the logistics of getting the ferry are just too complicated. So, I’m not going to France. I will miss Em’s surprise 30th birthday party.
• Work sucks, completely and utterly.
• I still don’t know what to do about P.
• I should have gone running last night, but didn’t. I should have gone running tonight, but didn’t. I’m so tired and frustrated with EVERYTHING that I just can’t motivate myself. On top of that, I’ve eaten four chocolate bars in the past 24 hours. I’ve over-eaten today by 46%. So much for my sodding diet.

My life is messing up my life!

In the spirit of not being a total misery-guts I’m going to try and rationalise everything.

Paris

Em doesn’t know that we’re coming, so I guess she won’t be disappointed that we can’t make it, assuming her husband doesn’t tell her. And K and I have both got free re-book options so we can go next weekend instead. And I’ve checked with the cat-sitter and she can look after Mr Cat then as well. Just need to get agreement from my friends in France.

Work

I’ve applied for all the PhD funding I can. Now I just need to sit and wait. I want to leave work as soon as possible, but it’s just not going to be realistic. The jobs market is really tough, and if I leave work voluntarily I can’t claim benefits. The negativity is seeping into my blood and my bones and I need to just batten down the hatches and get through it with minimum trauma.

I guess the thing I’m most worried about is that I don’t get PhD funding; I should learn about one scholarship in the next few weeks. I hope and pray that I get this, because if I have an end point I think work will be that much more tolerable.

My friend P

I’m really stuck with this one. I don’t know what to do. After yesterday’s weirdness I decided just to put it out there:

Do you want me to keep prodding you to check you’re alive? Or should I just leave you alone? I have no idea what to do with you anymore. I don’t want to annoy you.

He didn’t respond.

I probably didn’t phrase it right but what I really need to know is whether I should carry on expending effort on trying to keep our friendship going. I feel like I have a lot to say to P and I’m struggling not to let it become negative. I know he’s stressed, and I know it makes me a hypocrite to judge his stress reactions; after all I spent years acting up because of stress. But it’s not that I want to change him. I want to help him because I know what he’s going through. But I’m human, and I’m vulnerable and I’m insecure. I’ve also got a lot going on; he’s not the only one going through a big load of stress.

As much as I try and try to be understanding I just can’t keep taking his insensitivity. But I don’t want to sit on my own seething about it. I want to do something about it so that I can make peace with it one way or another. So what I need to know is this: Is the end in sight? Will he stop being insensitive? Will it get better? Ultimately, is it worth it for me to carry on trying?

My diet

All the stress and frustration is getting in the way of my new health plan. I’ve been really good at controlling what I eat lately and I started a couch-to-fit running programme earlier in the week. It had been going really well until yesterday. I’m just so bored, tired and exasperated that I keep craving more food, and I’ve lost the motivation to go running. But I need to accept that I’m only human, and that sometimes I will binge and sometimes I won’t feel like running. As long as I don’t beat myself up about it I can pick everything up the next time I feel better. Because I will feel better.

Overall rationalisation

Things aren’t that bad. They’re just outwith my control. I need to accept that and try and not let it get to me. Maybe then I can get my life back on track.

Curse or co-inky-dink?

My parents always used to joke that I had a travel curse, because I used to get stuck on trains and planes all the time. Of course this was when I was at high school and University, and the UK’s travel infrastructure has improved somewhat since then; since the same time my travel maladies have become less frequent. However I’ve been thinking about my recent journeys and made an observation:

• At Christmas the snow closed Edinburgh Airport they day I was flying home. I got there, but very delayed
• In February my flight to Birmingham for work was cancelled due to snow in the Midlands
• Coming back from Utah my flight was delayed and I almost missed my connection in Paris
• My train back to Edinburgh after the Easter break was almost going to be cancelled due to industrial action

This list covers every journey I have made in the past 4 months, other than commuting.

Of course it could be a coincidence that I keep experiencing weird travel incidents, but it could also be my travel curse returning.

What should I do to appease the travel gods? I mostly use public transport so it can’t be my carbon footprint (unless Boyfriend’s carbon-footprint karma is so bad from his stupidly high-powered car that it’s rubbing off on me) and I have tried very hard to keep my overall karma in a positive balance lately. Or have I? I can’t really tell. Of course everything I write is subjective. I think I may need to keep a karma diary as well as a dream diary and a food diary.

The gods hate me

I never thought that my flight might be cancelled due to a volcano. But, apparently the earth has fallen into a parallel universe and roaming volcanic ash has caused all flights in and out of Scotland to be cancelled.

After I sorted my money out, got enough to go to France for my friend’s birthday, booked flights and organised my annual leave, it might actually transpire that I can’t go.

They might open the airports, I’m not sure, but at the minute the ash is lingering over the Faroes and is likely to move south. I suspect that the situation may get worse before it gets better though. So I have two choices:

1. abandon my plans and not go
2. get the train – an extra £250

It depends on what my travelling companion wants to do as well. She is travelling from London with EasyJet. Their cancellations policy is pretty lousy so I doubt she’ll get compensated enough to pay for train travel. I booked with AirFrance who are reasonably trustworthy so I’m not so worried about out-of-pocket expenses, just short-term cashflow.

But the French are notoriously anti-English. And my French is appalling. So if I go alone it might not be such a pleasant experience. Last time we were there it was for our friend’s wedding and we were both so glad we were together.

So it’s still up in the air (excuse the pun) at the minute. It’s just typical that when I actually resolve something, Sod’s Law kicks in and tries to ruin my plans. The gods must hate me. I need some good karma points.

Random acts of kindness

Last night I got back to Edinburgh from my trip home. I was laden down with bags and was rather tired. When I got off the train there was a huge queue of taxis and hardly any people. Bonus.

I went to get cash (and stopped by M&S to get a bottle of wine) and by the time I got back the taxis were all gone and there was a huge queue of people. Bummer. I joined the back of the queue and thankfully it moved quickly. When I got to second-in-line the man in front of me opened the door to the cab and said

This one’s for you.

Oh don’t worry, I said, it won’t be long til the next one.

Honestly, he said, please take it. It’s Easter.

I thanked him profusely and got in the cab. What a kind man. He had no reason to let me have the taxi, but he did. He put me in such a good mood so I gave the driver a good tip. I hope he passed an act of kindness on. A chain of people could have a smile because of one act from a kind person. Sometimes people are lovely.

Never buy cheap underwear

Don’t worry, I’m not going to overshare. Much.

Yesterday I bought a new bra at H&M. It was £7.99. I like it. Security at Edinburgh airport don’t.

I wore my get-searched shirt, which has a non-removable metal buckle on it so I had no chance of getting through security un-fondled. Normally I tell them about the buckle and they bleep it and I go on my way. But the lady with the magic wand found loads more bleeps on me. My shoes bleeped, my belly bleeped, and my bra bleeped. I showed her my navel ring (ok) and the buckle on my shirt (ok) and she put my shoes through the xray machine (ok) but she didn’t like my bra (not ok). So, in front of a giant mob of air commuters – this had to be the day I paid for security express and ended up in the posh lane – I was marched off for a “private search”.

Utter panic set in by this point, but actually it was fine. She just asked me to lift up my shirt and did the magic wand thing on my bra (ok). I was having visions of standing half undressed in front of a big pervy security guard, but they were very professional.

Then I got the fear – what if I got stopped at Heathrow on the way back? I bet they wouldn’t be half as kind as the security lady at Edinburgh. I was really worried going through security on the way home. When I walked through the gate I bleeped. Oh no, here we go again. Thankfully I just got an extra-thorough going over with the magic wand (ok).

But, I don’t want to go through that experience again. The pointing and sniggers from other commuters were enough to dissuade me from ever wearing cheap underwear on a flight. H&M really should put a warning on those things. Lesson learned!

Things I learned on holiday

1. Delta is a surprisingly good airline
2. There are no ATMs at Charles de Gaulle
3. Utah really does have the greatest snow on Earth
4. A good teacher makes a good student
5. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk B&J is still available in the US
6. Not all American beers are rank
7. French policemen look much scarier than British policemen (but are probably as completely inept as their airport security colleagues)
8. I am not useless at snowboarding (but seriously need to work on my poor knees!)
9. Sleeping pills work
10. Pink stuff can be cool (in an ironic, alternative way)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…. oh, hang on!

Edinburgh Airport is shut!!  Not looking good for me getting my flight home this afternoon… more sacrifices must be made to the Gods of travel.  I’ve just sacrificed a mini Mars Bar and three Digestive biscuits.  Think that will be enough?

Despite the potential of me not getting home for Christmas, I’m remarkably chipper.  Perhaps because when I woke up this morning I saw snow like I had never seen before.  It was just beautiful.  It almost came up to my knees.  I still think I’m a 5-year-old at heart, I get so excited when I see snow, even when it might ruin my plans.  It’s just so unusual here. 

Bah humbug!

Have to go into work tomorrow.  The ‘Powers that Be’ have decreed that there must be senior member of staff present at all times. Tag, I’m it.

Going to go in for 8:30am, then leave at 12pm, to back in Edinburgh by 1:10pm.  Boyfriend will pick me up at Waverley and deliver me straight to EDI to catch 3pm flight to MAN, and God willing I will be at my parents’ house at 5pm, for 7 blissful days for Christmas.

Going to sacrifice some chocolate to the travel Gods!