Sad face II

I’ve been at home for a week now and haven’t really been feeling my best. Christmas was really nice, but it was weird not having my sister here.

I was ok for the first few days, but yesterday I really started to feel down. I didn’t even leave the house. I barely even got out of my pjs; I had a shower & slobbed all day in sweats. In the evening I started to feel a bit trapped so I went to my sister’s empty bedroom and watched a movie. Bad idea.

I watched the SATC movie which always makes me sad because I have a probably unrealistic notion that it is an ideal – I should have friends like that. Which I don’t. The bit about new year really got to me, because even though I will be miserable and alone at new year, I don’t have anyone I can call. Which sucks. Yes I have good friends but they are scattered all over the world. I guess I just feel a bit alone.

After the movie I was too depressed just to go to bed, so I went downstairs and watched TV. There was some “celebrities living like they’re self sufficient” TV show on, which was actually really funny. I laughed so hard I thought my stomach would burst. But it was like the laughter was empty. An automatic reaction to something I know I should find funny. While I was laughing, my spirit was outside my body and didn’t take part. I went to bed afterwards and read for a while, but it took me ages to switch my mind off.

I didn’t sleep well last night – I haven’t been sleeping well at all since I got home – and I woke up feeling strange. I got up and made myself some breakfast, and read my book again. I did all the things I know I should do: have a shower, get dressed, go out… but I just felt mean spirited while I was there. It should have been really nice – lunch out with my parents and my brother. But I acted like a brat and snapped at everyone. Which made me feel worse.

I’ve tried to be civil. But I just can’t be bothered. So I feel horrid for being horrid and horrid for not caring enough to not be.

I’m going back to Edinburgh tomorrow and it’s a blessing and a curse. The former because I need some space to breathe. I can’t hear myself think here. But the latter – I know it’s going to hurt. I have to get the last few bits and bobs from the flat, and pick up the cats. Ex is in Egypt working so I won’t see him. I’m worried about how I’ll deal with it; leaving that flat for the last last time and relinquishing all claim to the home I tried and failed to make with Ex.

What’s making it even harder is that he’s been really nice to me. My car has been screwed for a few weeks – since before the unmentionable event – and he was sorting out getting it fixed. I didn’t think he would continue to do so, given what happened, but he did. Today he texted me to say that the car was booked in to the VW dealer on the 5th. He also said that I didn’t need to pay him back the £400 I owed him. I completely forgot about that. I just checked my bank balance too and there’s no way I can afford to pay him back. There’s no way I can afford to do much, actually. I’m owed the best part of £1,000 from various consultancy jobs but until I get paid that I’m completely skint.

Ex is being really nice, and I miss him. I know that our relationship was over, and had been for a while. But I still miss him. That’s ok isn’t it? It doesn’t mean that I want to get back together – because I don’t. My sentiments were completely the opposite just two days ago when we were trying to sort out how I would deal with the cats – I kept telling him “It’s ok for you, you’re on a beach pretending to work, I’m the one who actually has to deal with this”. So, I know it wasn’t working and it won’t work. I guess when I’m feeling low I want things that comfort me, and despite the failings of our relationship it was a comfort.

I’m hoping that I feel a bit better tomorrow. It’s my last day at home and I don’t want to ruin it for my family. I know they worry about me but I just can’t keep my temper sometimes. I will try harder tomorrow. Maybe it will help lift my spirit. Something has to.

Weirdness

Last time I went through a relationship break-up, I was in pieces for days and didn’t feel normal for a month or so.  This time I hadn’t been feeling so bad – I haven’t cried since the night of the confession.  This is freaking me out ever so slightly. There are several reasons why I may not be suffering as badly:

• This had been coming a long time
• There was a reason for the break-up – the unmentionable event – not just an “it’s not working” (even though it wasn’t working, so that’s a big part of it anyway)
• We resolved to stay friends – so it’s not like I’m going cold turkey
• I have feelings for someone else, which – whatever happens there – are a distraction
• I’m in denial

These last two possibilities are of concern, the latter in particular.

Earlier this evening I was on Facebook (yes Facebook is always trouble) and I saw Boyfriend had changed his relationship status to ‘single’. I don’t know why but I felt a little lurch in my stomach when I saw that. I shouldn’t be bothered, should I? I’m the cheat, the relationship-ender, the evil one. His friends and family will hate me, even if he doesn’t. His friends, I’m not so bothered about. But his parents and I always got on so well. I really liked them, and it makes me sad that they’ll only think badly of me from now on.

Are these normal things to think? Is this rational? I know I wasn’t happy in the relationship, and its for the best that it ended (the more I say that the more I hope I will be convinced of it) but does that mean I can’t have regrets? Or do the regrets mean I made a mistake (other than the obvious cheating incident) by thinking it wasn’t working? And I just haven’t realised it yet?

On top of that, I’m worried that I’m not feeling the worst of this because I’m distracted by the thing with P. And that’s completely up in the air. I haven’t seen or spoken to him (other than brief texts and emails) since the unmentionable event so I have no idea what he is thinking right now. And what if that goes horribly wrong and then magnitude of what I’ve actually lost hits me?

I mean think about it – I’m 29, single, poor without the prospect of a decent paying job til after I graduate in 2013 (!), I have braces, I’m a little bit insane, and I have no friends. Well that’s not true. I have some good friends, but they are scattered across the globe. My prospects of finding my Mr Darcy (see Pride and Prejudice) are slim. So should I have settled for Boyfriend? My low self-esteem says yes – but I couldn’t have anyway, because now I’m a dirty rotten cheat and all round bad girlfriend.

Everything is just weird. Weird weird WEIRD. I have an appointment with Head Doctor tomorrow, and I’ll have to confess what’s happened to her. I have no idea what to expect from this session. I’ll report back, if I survive.

Upside down

Everything has changed in the past few days. Everything.

I made a series of big mistakes.

Thursday was our “end of teaching” work night out.  I usually stay with M, who has a spare room, but she was going on holiday the next day and had to go home early, so I asked P if I could stay at his.  That was the first mistake. Second mistake was staying out til 3am and drinking and dancing. Third mistake sleeping in his bed again, knowing what happened last time and knowing how drunk we were.

We walked home from town, in the snow, and when we got into bed it was freezing so he hugged me, but he went to kiss my forehead and somehow we ended up kissing properly… I don’t know who started it.  I definitely didn’t avoid it though.  So, one thing led to another…

I didn’t get up til 3 the next afternoon, and when I got up he just acted like nothing had happened but I was getting that horrible anxiety feeling in my stomach. Thought I was going to barf.

I texted my friend A and what she said spurred me into action: I couldn’t just forget about what happened.  So I bit the bullet and told P we had to talk.  He just went all quiet and said “I don’t need complications in my life right now, some things you just have to forget about”.  But of course I couldn’t forget about it – I had to tell Boyfriend.  So, he could forget but I pretty much knew I’d killed my relationship.  I really felt like I might have a heart attack.

I kinda lost it at this point.  I admitted that I had thought about him in more than just a friendly way, and that I wouldn’t have slept with him if I didn’t have some feelings for him.  I felt so stupid because obviously it meant more to me than it did to him – for him it was just alcohol.

He said that he couldn’t do relationships any more because he felt like damaged goods, and that was something he didn’t like about himself.  We talked some more and he admitted that it had crossed his mind that there might be something between us, but that he didn’t feel he could do anything about it.  I don’t know how we got there but he asked me what would happen if he said he wanted us to be more than friends.  I said I would need to have a conversation with Boyfriend. But I had to confess my crime anyway, and because of what we did, my relationship with him was probably over anyway.

The more we talked the more P mentioned “what if” we were a couple.  His main reservation is that he might hurt me.  Which he probably will.  It’s obvious that I like him more than he likes me.  But he said he wanted to give “us” a go.  Thing is tho, he never admitted that he liked me.  The most he said was that it had “crossed his mind”.  He admitted that his initial reaction was defensive and childish; he was so used to turning away from relationships because of how people had treated him in the past. I left not long after that, and he kissed me on the way out, but my priority from then on was to talk to Boyfriend.

When I got in I didn’t even take my coat off.  I just said “something happened” and he knew what I was talking about, and just asked “who?”  I told him it was P and he just said that he wasn’t surprised and that he knew it would happen sometime because we’d been drifting apart… which we had.

In all honesty, his reaction upset me more than the breaking up.  He was so understanding, he said that he didn’t hate me and that we’d both screwed up.  It was so sad, I cried buckets.  But I know that even if I hadn’t slept with P, things with Boyfriend were going downhill.  Neither of us had the guts to admit it though.

So I guess I know it’s for the best.  We’re going to carry on living together for now, and we agreed we’d be friends because we still love each other… it’s just not enough anymore.  The bad outweighs the good.

But now I need to figure out what to do about P.  I’ve put my cards on the table but I’ve not really got anything back from him. I know he’s afraid, and so am I, but sometimes you’ve got to take a risk, right?  Or am I in the land of wishful thinking?

I spoke to A and I’m in two minds.  On one hand, I really want to try things out with P; there’s something there. But on the other hand, I’m concerned about his initial reaction.  On another hand – ok, I’m in three minds – I think I could do with some time to get over Boyfriend and to work out what it is that I want from a relationship.

I guess my condition is that if P wants something then he has to convince me he’s up to the challenge.  I won’t see him much this week, which I hope will give him time to think.  As much as I don’t want to put pressure on him, I’m not going to sit back and put my heart on the line for a guy who can’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I think I need to prioritise me right now so I stop making mistakes and start respecting myself; if I don’t, nobody else will.

I love loprazolam

Yesterday sucked. Really sucked. I couldn’t get out of the slump I was in. I couldn’t stop crying and it got to the point where I cut my arms just to stop the hysteria. I know I know, it’s stupid, but having a physical pain took my mind off whatever emotional pain I was feeling. It’s embarrassing. But it worked, to an extent. I stopped crying, slept for a bit, then dragged my duvet to the living room and watched TV all evening.

I distracted myself for long enough to make it to double figures (12 hour clock) then took some sleeping pills and waited. After half an hour I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and went to bed and slept for 12 hours with hardly any dreams.

Having some sleep helped me, but today the effects of yesterday are lingering like a bad hangover. I feel emotionally bruised, but with nothing to fight against. I reiterate my thoughts from yesterday’s post: I don’t know if this is real or not. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether what I’m feeling is right or wrong. If it’s wrong, I need to get my head to realise that asap. But if it’s right, well, there’s nothing I can do anyway. So no matter what I just need to get over it.

My new favourite game

Tory-bashing. It’s brilliant. I’ve never been one to shy away from mouthing off about politics, but it has never been so satisfying as coming up with new and wonderfully insulting ways to talk about our Con-Dem Government.

It’s all over the papers too. The Grauniad is particularly good at it. I’ve spent many an hour chuckling at articles poking fun at the Con-Dems. I’ll post links soon; there are many articles which are worth investigating!

In the mean time, I’ll try and make Tory-bashing the silver lining on the rubbish election results. Hopefully it will entertain me for 5 years…

Oh no! We’re all Con-Dem-ed!

Yesterday I went to see a lecture by the magificent Michael Marmot about fair society and health inequalities. It was really inspiring. Throughout the lecture Sir Michael returned to the point that we, as a country, have the money, knowledge, resources and strategy to make a significant dent in inequalities. What we lack – and what has hindered progress so far – is political will.

The potential for change is significant and I left the lecture feeling inspired: my PhD is in this area (the application of economics on inequality and poverty) and P and I (P came with me, and we bumped into my PhD supervisor there) were buzzing with positivity when we came out. Until, that is, we checked the news. In the 90 minutes we were in the conference room Gordon Brown had resigned as Prime Minister. Yes, that’s right, Nick Clegg shacked up with the Conservatives. Therein was dealt the death knell for the potential of progressive politics to bring about real change to our unequal society.

The Equalities Minister is the token woman - a Tory, Theresa May. Ms May happens to be, in my opinion, rather bigoted, having voted against the repeal of Section 28, against the right for gay couples to adopt jointly, and did not attend any of the votes that led to the Gender Recognition Act. Intriguing. She also has a grand total of ZERO experience relating to inequalities, other than a brief stint as Shadow Women’s Minister.

The Lib Dems, despite having so much promise, have gone to bed with the wrong party. I’m not sure what the deal-breaker with Labour was, so I can’t really judge whether to abandon my Lib Dem leanings, but I’m certainly disappointed. Logically I know that Clegg had little choice. Even in a Labour coalition they couldn’t have formed a majority government.

My hope now is that the Lib Dems don’t become too right-leaning and become Con Dems. I hope that they have the political will to make a real change, not just the intangible, metaphorical type the Tories blether on about to get the votes of the weak-minded. The stance of the coalition on inequality isn’t clear yet; only time will tell, so I will reserve judgement until then.

Who am I?

Evil assistant wasn’t in work today. She wasn’t in last Thursday either. Or the Thursday before.  The first Thursday she was absent she had a “routine hospital appointment”. The next Thursday she had “abnormal results” and needed to go for a re-test. This Thursday she learned the results of her re-test. She has early stage breast cancer.

I feel really, truly sympathetic. Nobody should have to go through this. But cancer is a fact of life. 1 in 9 women will get it (so say Cancer Research UK) at some point in their lives. It’s more common amongst women between 50 and 65 (she’s 54) and this age bracket accounts for 50% of cases. So, although she is (I’m assuming) otherwise fit and healthy, it’s not that unexpected.

So, here’s where I come unstuck. My initial reaction was relief: she would be taking a significant amount of time off work; she wouldn’t be in the office and I wouldn’t have to deal with her. My next thought was that she must have so much negative karma from her lying, back-stabbing, assassinating and rumour-spreading that perhaps the negativity in her own soul grew the cancer cells. So by her actions she made herself ill.

Before you start to flame me, I know that is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to think and it only flashed through my mind once. But the fact that it entered my mind at all is a terrible thing.

I’ve always tried to be a nice person. OK I’ve not always succeeded, but I’ve never set out to make anyone unhappy or miserable. I probably have boat loads of negative karma just from fumbling through life and being all me-me-me. But I have never wanted to make things difficult for others. I’m a helper; a fixer; a go-to-gal. There’s nothing I wouldn’t drop if someone asked me for help. So I never thought I could have such a monumental lack of compassion for another human being.

This is quite scary. I’m sitting here wondering who the hell I have become? I thought that with my treatment winding down I was almost fixed, I was better, I wasn’t the same person I was before. That may be true, but now I’m petrified that the person I am now is horrible. Would it be better to still be utterly messed up, but a decent human being, or mentally more stable and an utterly horrid person?

This place, this office, this company and these people I work with aren’t innocent either. I hate my job so much that every corner of my life is infected with the anger and bitterness I feel at being trapped doing something I despise. I feel like there is actual poison in my blood and it’s killing the rest of me. This place is making me evil. It’s got to the stage where the company cannot get rid of an awful member of staff because of unions and policies and procedures and inept HR departments – so I’m in a position where I have to rely on malady to remove the staff that HR can’t. The fact that any workplace can dehumanise someone so much they they react the way I did to Evil Assistant’s news is horrifying.

I’m not trying to blame my condition or my workplace. I know it was my brain that came up with those thoughts. I just don’t understand where my compassion went. It used to be there, I know it did. I need to try and figure out what to do next. I think I need to go back to Head Doctor. I’m really afraid of who I am.

Silly season

Gordon Brown announced today that there will be an election on 6th May. That means that for the next 4 weeks or so my life will be insufferably polluted with political slander, bickering and brinksmanship. And I suspect that the general (stupid) public are leaning towards the evil effing Tories. So I’ll have to take the pollution and a disastrous result.

Who said democracy was a good idea? It only works when the people choosing our government have more intelligence than a teaspoon. Grump.